Stars in Space - 5/6
Author: Daniela
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: John Sheppard/Elizabeth Weir
Rating: PG13
Category: Romance, Humor, Angst
Series/Sequel: Dare all Things
Summary: All those moments... lost in time and space.
Warning: Spoiler for Season 1 - 3
Disclaimer: No one of Stargate: Atlantis belongs to me.
Least of all Lt. John Sheppard. Damn.
Feedback: Yes, please. Every word opens a new gate.
Email: daniforblue@yahoo.de
Released: December 2009
Revised: October 2020
Word Count: 6290
Beta: Isha
In the days after the passionate lovemaking on the planet of the Larus John thought often about Elizabeth's question why he had kissed Teyla during turning into a bug and not her. Well. The answer was simple. He respected her too much. She was the boss, Teyla just his teammate. Even if he would turn into a Wraith, he would never kiss Elizabeth without having her permission. His frustration though, due to not having her in this critical time, had turned into anger and he had put those overwhelming feelings on Teyla. That had been horrible. He had never forced himself on any woman, and the shame he had felt afterwards was incredible. He didn't know how to deal with that, or watching Caldwell hitting on Elizabeth, hoping he was out of the way soon. He didn't know how to handle the secrecy of his and Elizabeth's relationship anymore. He hated them sneaking around like criminals. That was one reason why he didn't stop flirting with other women. He wanted to make their relationship public, but Elizabeth didn't agree. Hence, he took the liberty to seek the pleasure of being entitled in the little things. Sitting on her desk as if he were the only one with that right, getting permission for delicate and dangerous missions, or ordering people to do stuff if she wasn't up to it. His favorite times though, were the short moments on the balcony, where they confirmed their commitment to each other. And even when an alien nation offered him to be their king, he preferred to come back to her, his one and only queen.
*****
Elizabeth didn't suffer because of the secrecy of her and John's relationship. Only when he and his team went missing again, she barely could keep her emotions in check. Though she was able to make tough decisions by day she couldn't endure the chance of his possible loss at night when she was weeping into her pillow. He was too long gone to hope for his return. The thought of him being dead without telling everyone about how much she and he really meant to each other was tearing her apart. Believing he was back, she ran to the Gate, but only Rodney was stepping through the portal, and her disappointment was an insult to her friend. She should treat everyone of Atlantis equally and not beam at her secret lover in highest spirits when he came back at last. Good grief! At least John kept his cool by joking, 'sorry, we're late'. His talent of keeping up appearances saved her from such an embarrassment as sobbing into his shoulder. She did that, though, being alone in his quarters, hours later.
The next time he went missing she wasn't as affected because he was only gone for a few hours. He was the one being furious about her lack of concern, even rejected her touch, and raged about him being gone for six months. Well, the beard he had grown was proof for the accuracy of this statement, and that he was throwing a fit about her insensibility pleased her in the weirdest way. The later lovemaking three nights in a row was amazing compensation for their suffering. Oh boy! Life was good indeed. She even ordered him to keep the beard for the first two nights. In time she got used to lose and get him back every now and then. Contrary to reason she had faith that he would always come back to her. She had no reason to believe so, but her gut told her otherwise.
*****
"I'm sure you'll both agree that the paperwork on this is going to be a nightmare ... especially that kiss," Caldwell said smugly.
John and Elizabeth stared at him in horror.
"Yes, sir!" John said, shifting in his bed like a kid, who had been caught cheating to be sick.
"Well, try not to kill each other while I'm gone," Caldwell teased further, and walked out of the infirmary.
Elizabeth smiled ruefully at John, and slid down in the bed in embarrassment.
"I think it's about time, Elizabeth." John put his palm pilot away.
"For what?"
"To tell them the truth about us."
"Why? Because we kissed? Everybody knows we weren't ourselves."
"People will talk all the same."
"So let them talk."
"I see." He turned his back to her.
"You see what?"
"You like us being a secret."
"That's not true, John. But I think..."
"Forget it."
Elizabeth wanted to reach out to him. You are wrong. I want the world to know that I love you. I want the whole universe to know. I'm not afraid....
But Carson came in and the chance to put things right passed.
*****
I'm as good as dead, John thought. Elizabeth will never give in and turn ten jumpers over to Cowen. Not even to save my life. Knowing she is the leader I've learned to respect I know that is never an option. I only wish I could see her face one more time before they'll kill me. I wish I could tell her it's not her fault and take that burden off her. She doesn't have to suffer because of me. She doesn't need to blame herself because I'm the only one to blame for being in this mess. Nobody else. Crap! I hate myself for leaving her alone because I was led on like a fool.
*****
Even though John didn't like to expose his feelings to Caldwell he couldn't wait any longer to put his mind at ease. "Is Elizabeth all right?"
"Physically she's fine. Don't worry."
"But what? Something is wrong, isn't it?"
"She mourns your death, of course, "Caldwell deadpanned, staring at the eternal space behind the window.
"Right. Can't do nothing about that, sir."
"Not yet."
He suppressed a smirk about his superior's innuendo and blatant jealousy. I'm not sorry to rub in she's mine. I've had it going without being public. If Caldwell put the subject of us being an item out there, I'm the last one to put up a fight. The only thing that mattered of course was that Elizabeth was safe. That he and she both had cheated death once more.
*****
As soon as she was home from her visit to Earth Elizabeth sneaked into John's quarters and slipped under the covers. She and John held on to each other not having sex but sharing warmth and a few tender kisses. In the morning they were called to a meeting. She beat him to take a shower and he appeared looking a bit disheveled. Their friends smiled, though if it was for the reason to be amused or just to be alive and reunited was not evident. John and Elizabeth didn't care anyway. They were simply happy to be back safe and sound.
*****
The conference was over. John and Elizabeth stayed behind. They never passed the chance to enjoy some solitude.
"You were saying?" John lingered in his chair, comfortable for now. You deserve payback for what you pulled this morning, you know? I claim that shower as soon as we're done here, though you can join me if you want.
"I didn't say a word." Elizabeth blinked. Then she flushed and twitched in her chair.
"Before... we had company... you said you were feeling very..." He smirked and raised an eyebrow.
"Well..." On the brink of tears and barely able to continue she cleared her throat. "...if you have to ask how I feel..."
"Sorry." He rushed over to her and whirled her into his arms. "I don't have to ask." He nuzzled his face into the softness of her hair. Her scent made him drunken with happiness. "I feel the same way."
She surrendered to his tenderness. "Hungry, hmm?" Dear Rodney. Your joke saved me.
"Well... sort of." His hands rambled over her back, down to her ass, letting her feel his desire. "I can never taste enough of you."
"Let me feed you then." She licked at the corners of his mouth.
Of course, they didn't make out on the big shiny table. There was no hurry. Though they enjoyed a spicy late supper in John's quarters.
*****
The bed was small but comfy, a safe place, to hide from the Wraith, or anyone.
"It was nice of you defending my honor today," Elizabeth whispered into John's ear.
"I can still knock this Woolsey guy in the head?"
"It's not worth it. I don't want to lose you because you're sent to some prison."
"Alright, so ... no head knocking."
"As you said... it's the thought that counts."
"Mmh." He explored the curve of her shoulderblade. "That reminds me... how long will we keep on playing this charade?"
"John, we already discussed this. It wouldn't help winning Woolsey's trust by letting him know that we are involved."
"Involved?" He stopped his caress. "I love you." His tone turned fierce and bitter. "And you love me, I thought."
"Never doubt that I love you, please." Elizabeth pulled him back. She needed him to be close. They didn't have enough of these moments like right now. "I do and always will... but..."
"...Atlantis comes first..." He gave in, not able to be mad at her for long.
"Exactly."
*****
"What is going on with you and that Lucius guy?" John trapped her shortly after the unpleasant meeting in the office.
"What do you mean?"
"Is it a joke?" He coughed. "Are you mocking me because I told you many times, I want people to know we are a couple?"
Elizabeth whimpered. "About that... Lucius thinks... you and I are not good for...."
"You told him?!"
"I had too, John. He is my body and soul. I can't lie to him."
"Will you knock it off?!"
"John! I don't like the way you are talking to me."
"Don't you? Well, when it comes to the security of this base, I'll talk to you as the commanding officer. I won't allow you to put this city in any danger."
"John, are you questioning my authority?"
"I question your sanity, damn it!"
"Please, you have to understand."
"Elizabeth, I need you to focus."
"But he needs me," she whined with maniac glittering eyes.
"Not as long as I have something to say." He broke away, coughing like hell.
*****
John stood frozen in the doorway of Elizabeth's quarters.
She raised an eyebrow at him. "What? I just made soup for you."
"You never cooked for me."
"It was about time then." She poured the soup into the bowls. "How is your cold?"
"Much better."
"I'm pleased to hear that." She flipped a strain of her hair back and smiled at him.
The soup smelled delicious. Though he wasn't finished teasing her. Not after what he had been through. "So, you're, uh, truly back to normal?"
"I'm fine, John." She tasted the soup.
"No lingering desires? Secret longings for his touch?"
"Not that I know of."
"I meant me. No secret longings for my touch?"
"No." She licked her spoon.
"Pity." He turned around. "Now I have to find me someone..."
"Come here!" She jumped to her feet.
"Yes, ma'am." He moved into her personal space. She smelled as delicious as the soup.
She wrapped her arms around him. "Would you care for dessert?"
He smirked. "Secret longings after all, huh?"
Elizabeth claimed his lips and showed him the real thing, no magic required. "How's that for an answer?"
*****
Looking like dead Elizabeth was lying on the bed. But John knew she wasn't dead. She would never give up that easily as well as he would never give up on her. Carson told him she might hear him, so he talked to her, talked much more than he ever had, talked to stay sane even though he was scared to death. He felt that his friends watched him, deeply concerned, Rodney and Carson even more than Teyla and Ronon, because they knew of their secret relationship. He begged her to keep fighting, not having a clue, if he was getting through to her, but somehow, he knew he did, he just knew. That knowledge came from his deepest soul, some knowledge only lovers had.
"They've begun to spread faster," Carson cut the bound John had created with her brutally. "We're losing her."
"Not yet we're not." He ran to the isolation tent and unzipped it, not listening to the warning shouts of his friends. He hurried over to the bed and put both hands on Elizabeth's arm. His mind shut up to the screams surrounding him. His mind focused on her. Screaming at her. Fight! Fight! Stay alive! I can't live without you. I can't be at all. His voice was softer. "Don't let them do it. You have to fight 'em. So fight." Please. Oh God. Please. Don't leave me.
The medical staff tore him away, forced him out of the tent, leaving her to destiny. Carson shouted at him, worried that John had endangered himself to get infected too. John didn't mind. If Elizabeth were doomed, he wanted to go down the same path.
Death couldn't be more painful than living without her.
*****
He got her back. Safe and sound she slept in her quarters. John hesitated to go to her. Did he really get her back? Was she the same Elizabeth, the Elizabeth who loved him and had shared his bed over the years? What if she had forgotten about him? What if she didn't remember about them? What if she didn't remember what they mattered to each other? She had behaved very distant a few hours ago when they had met on the balcony. A vulnerable stranger who didn't appear to be herself. Well, yes, she had cared about him not getting hurt by the nanites. She only had been out for five hours but had told him it had felt much longer. Well, not only to her, to him it felt like they had been separated for weeks, almost a lifetime. Yeah. He couldn't wait one more second. He had to see her right now, he had to be with her. His Elizabeth. The woman who made love to him, who shared his fears and sorrows, who made him happier than anyone else in the universe.
She awaited him with tears in her eyes, shaking. "Finally. I wasn't sure about you - about us. I thought maybe it was only a dream, that there was nothing going on between you and me, only my wishful thinking, only my longing... only the nanites giving me false memories...."
He rushed over to her and pulled her into his arms. "No. It is real, our real world..."
"I'm glad." She sobbed into his shoulder. "I missed you so much."
"Me too, sweetheart, me too." More than you'll ever know.
They fell onto the bed and drowned in reality all night.
*****
Elizabeth caressed John's cheek. "How are you?"
"Considering that I was fed on by a Wraith I'm fine."
"Oh John." She sniffed. "There was nothing I could have done."
"I know. Don't cry."
"I can't help it. I feel like I could have done better. I feel...."
"You could have done nothing. I'm just one man. I'm expendable. Atlantis is...."
"Don't say that!"
"The security of Atlantis comes first. No discussion."
"You think I don't know that!" Her voice pitched to a hysterical level.
He blinked in surprise. "Elizabeth..." He had never seen her like this.
"I can't do this again. Leaving you to torture... not even for Atlantis... not for anything..." She shook him. "Did you hear me? I won't let this happen again."
"Don't do this to yourself." He seized her hands, keeping them still, keeping her from losing control. "Don't."
"I won't do it again." Her voice had dropped to a harsh whisper.
He noticed her utter pain and sorrow. "I know." He held her tight. "I believe you."
*****
The day after the return to Atlantis he and Elizabeth were having lunch together in the break room. How daring! John couldn't help but shaking his head about the craziness that was his so-called relationship in this exotic galaxy that felt more like home than Earth by now.
"What?" Elizabeth put the bottle down she had been drinking from.
"I'm surprised we're doing this."
"Why should we not? We've been to dinner on Earth."
"Not alone but with our friends though."
"We're not alone. There is lots of people here."
"What a shame. We could hold hands otherwise or playing footsy under the table."
"We even could make out on the table."
He choked on his sandwich. "Don't push it, Elizabeth!"
She smirked. "What will you do, if I won't listen?"
"Throw you on the table, take you under everyone's eyes."
She screwed her bottle up. "Nice, Colonel, but forever a fantasy."
"Right." He swallowed the last piece of his sandwich.
"We could play out that scenario in your quarters later."
"Your wish is my command." He beamed. "Prepare the table." He grabbed his tray. "Okay. I'm off." He needed to move to shake off his urgent desire. "Take you later."
"It's a date." She strolled away in a different direction, a skip in her walk.
*****
"I killed Kolya today," John said as soon as he entered her office.
Elizabeth startled. "And how do you feel?"
"Awesome because he's not able to threaten you anymore." He settled on the edge of her desk. "Not ever again."
"Oh, John. That was ages ago."
"I don't care. He was the kind of guy who would have kept trying forever to kill you just to teach me a lesson."
"Well, I'm grateful you made sure I'm safe." She patted his hand. "Though absolute safety is an illusion anyway."
John grimaced. "You think I don't know that?"
*****
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"No, John, saying sorry is not enough. You and Rodney almost killed nations because of playing a stupid game."
"Well, we didn't know."
"I don't understand why you didn't tell me. I might have guessed earlier something was wrong if I had known. Why did you keep it a secret?"
"Yeah, well, because I'm used to keeping secrets." Oh, oh. Bad choice of words.
She glared at him. "Let's not make this about us but about those people suffering."
"I can't take back what's done."
"No, you can't. But you can make amends."
"Amends, huh?"
"Not that kind." She rolled her eyes. "I'm serious."
He reached out to her. "Sorry. I'll do whatever I can to make this right."
"Yeah, sure!" She shunned his touch. "And stick to less damaging games from now on, okay?" She walked away.
"Yes, ma'am." He squared his shoulders. Don't run after her. Don't be a wuss. Don't make this worse.
*****
Crap! John sighed. How did he always end up in these life-threatening situations? Seriously? Trapped in a damaged moon base in a decaying orbit. Having lost the Jumper. Stranded with little hope of survival. What the hell? Did he deserve this for ruining all those lives by playing a game? Well, maybe, but his teammates shouldn't be punished for his fault, should they? Not even Rodney. The worst was that he and Elizabeth hadn't parted on the best terms. No kiss. No hug. Not even the usual unsuspicious kind words. He couldn't die now, could he? Not having kissed her one last time, not having let her know how much he loved her once more. Not that he had time for sulking anyway, literally every second counted to get them out of this mess.
Right. So, when Elizabeth was able to get in contact and sent the help they needed, he was feeling beyond grateful. They would make it back home. He would see her again. He would make up with her and never part on bad terms ever again.
"Is everything good between you and Elizabeth?" Rodney said, working on a device.
"Sure. Why you're asking?"
"She called you Colonel."
"That's my rank."
"You called her Weir."
"So?"
"Come on, John. You are on first name basis since Kolya wanted to kill her."
"You read too much into this."
"Am I?" Rodney nudged him. "Are you on a break? Is it because of that game we were playing in secret?"
John snorted. "The game that killed and wounded real people. Oh, please. Why should that be a problem?"
"I see. Well, don't bother anymore. She will welcome you with open arms if we are lucky to escape this mess."
"You think?" I hope so, buddy. We have put up some distance for a few weeks now. "Well, then, one more reason for you to make this work and get us back to Atlantis safe and sound."
"Right," Rodney huffed. "Thanks for the pressure."
"Hey! You like being pushed to the limits."
"That's what you all think, but it's a myth."
"Shut up and keep working." The need to bridge the distance to Elizabeth right now put him on the edge.
"All right! Keep your pants on!"
*****
"And I assume you have come to the Infirmary in order to have your head examined?" Elizabeth scolded John, after Carson was finished scanning him.
"Hey, I pulled it off, didn't I?" he murmured in the softest tone. He noticed the shadows under her eyes. He was sure she had cried.
Elizabeth's shoulders slumped. "I'm not mad at you, John. Not anymore. I know we're both keeping secrets from others. I know this is my fault. I just don't want us to keep secrets from each other."
"I got that. I tried to make up for my mistake."
"I know. And it's fine. Let's move on."
"I couldn't agree more. Can I come over tonight?"
"You're in the infirmary, John."
He seized her hand, feeling the lifeline. "Come on. I'm not injured. I need to be the man tonight."
She smiled. "I need to finish some paperwork first."
"I knew you'd say yes!"
She shook her head, though her smile broadened. "I haven't said yes."
"Well, you were about to."
"Okay. Fine. If you feel the need."
"There you go!"
She leaned in and kissed him on the lips.
"Aye!" Carson yelped. "That looks like progress."
"I hope that's not a bad omen," John joked, gleeful at being caught in the act, even by someone who already knew about him and Elizabeth.
*****
Carson's funeral was over. John and Elizabeth were lying on her bed. The lights were dimmed. John struggled with the guilt about the missed opportunity to go fishing with Carson as well as the rumors he had heard about his lover.
"Where have you been before - before... before it happened?" Elizabeth choked out, fumbling for John's hand.
"I shared a beer with Ronon." John had the feeling this trivial event had happened a lifetime ago. In a world where Carson was doing his routine in the infirmary, making everyone feeling better with his kind and confident presence.
"Did you have a good time?"
"I'm not sure. We talked about dating and marriage. He thought I have a thing for Teyla. I said no and he asked me if there is anyone else."
"What did you tell him?"
"What do you think? I lied that there is no one. I always lie when it comes to us."
"John, you have to. Just today I figured once more how much I need to focus."
"Oh yeah? Is that why you kissed that Branton?"
"He kissed me," she flustered. "It meant nothing."
"I just think if you see no problem in kissing a stranger in public... why not me?"
"John! We had this discussion hundreds of times. I'm too tired and too sad... to go into this right now."
"Why were you going on a date with that Branton anyway?"
"I was trying to get out of it, but he was insistent."
"So?"
"I couldn't say I have a boyfriend, could I?"
"Why not?"
"Okay, next time I'll be asked out on a date, I say I'm promised to a soldier on his tour."
"There's a next time?" he quipped, and leaned into her.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"I know." He put his arms around her. The sensation of her warmth melted his anger. "That's what I wanted to do at the funeral. I longed to comfort you, but I wasn't allowed to. It tore me apart, Elizabeth."
"We will tell them."
"When?"
"Soon."
"As if I didn't hear that one before." He put a few kisses on her neck. "What about giving the lonely soldier a kiss right now?"
"Do I have to? I'm not in the mood."
"Come on. I need to be the last man you have ever kissed."
"Oh - right - in that case...."
*****
Elizabeth was sitting beside John as he piloted the puddle jumper towards the ocean floor.
"Well, still glad you came?" John asked her with a touch of sarcasm. It had been a long, eventless journey. Several Atlantis crewmembers were yawning in boredom.
"Oh, sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about the geothermal drilling platform," Elizabeth startled from her thoughts. Am I the only one who is enjoying this trip? She bathed in being a part of this mission and as well as being able to be close to John for days. I'm with him. What's there not to like?
"Shouldn't take us much longer. We just passed the thermal layer and I'm getting some readings a couple of hundred feet ahead." He smiled charmingly. I feel the need to kiss you. How is this possible? After all this time we are together?
"If we did manage to find an alternate and potentially limitless power supply, that would make even this insufferably long search seem worthwhile." Why does he look at me that way? Is there something on my face?
Just a small kiss on your cheek. It would be fun to explain such an endearment to everyone around. John turned his attention away from her. "OK, kids, we're here." Maybe next time.
The team groaned in relief.
He is so dashing. How can I not be thinking of smooching him right now? Elizabeth smiled at her lover. Maybe later.
*****
The Jumper had backed into the platform's docking port. John, Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth were ready to search the facility.
"Well, we have a lot of exploring to do," Elizabeth said, not ashamed to be a bit cheeky.
"We?" John marveled, surprised.
"Until Rodney delivers the preliminary status report, I'm all yours. Put me to work, Colonel." She liked to tease him like that. She liked to know that he wouldn't wait too long to take her up on her teasing. She liked to feel all woman.
"Alright, let's make up some time. Break into teams. Ronon, you're with Teyla. Elizabeth, you're with me -- or I'm with you, however you wanna put it." There! Keep it up that way and I'll spill it all. John walked into the tunnel.
Elizabeth followed him. "Ee-ther way ... or eye-ther way." This mission is turning out to get better and better.
Ronon handed Teyla a pistol and they headed off, too, but into a different tunnel.
"Who is with whom, huh?" Elizabeth teased further, smiling. "Still pushing my buttons, Colonel?"
"Who is pushing whose buttons here, Dr. Weir?" John joined her game.
"Don't forget who gives the orders." She giggled.
"I'm ranking military officer here." He stopped in his tracks and pinched her.
"Yes, Colonel," she breathed, aflame.
He kissed her right there on the spot.
She sighed in bliss, kissing him back with all her heart, grabbing on to him like a wildcat. The kiss turned serious, for minutes they forgot about their duties, smooching and clutching, until they were in desperate need for air.
"This place improves the kissing," John confessed, dazzled.
"Are you saying you didn't like us kissing otherwise?"
"No. Not at all. I love kissing you. It's simply different down here. I guess it's the effect of the pressure."
"Well, Colonel, what about a second shot?"
"Yes, ma'am." This kiss turned even more serious. They melted into each other, exploring thoroughly, almost floating away.
"That was awesome," she granted, gasping, feeling a little dizzy.
"You know, I have my moments." He smirked. "Unfortunately, we have to get back to business."
"Unfortunately, you are right," she echoed his regret. They hurried into the darkness to continue the real exploring.
Two seconds later, Teyla and Ronon looked around the corner. A peculiar smile played around the corners of her mouth. "We caught them red-handed at last."
Ronon growled. "I don't understand why they're hiding it. Nobody would complain. They suit each other perfectly."
Teyla shrugged. "I think it is a chain of command matter."
"My ass!" Ronon snarled.
*****
Ronon went over to one of the bunks. In the bunk next to him, Teyla had already closed her eyes. Elizabeth and John kept lingering around.
Rodney came in. "Look, the Wraith's gone -- we've got a ton of research to do."
"Yes, we do." Elizabeth followed Rodney out of the room, throwing a rueful smile back at John.
"Well, I for one intend to spend the next little while resting." John lay down on one bunk. Ronon growled in sympathy.
Right. Oblivion though a soft pressure on his lips woke John up again. It was Elizabeth. John felt like he had not slept at all.
"What are you doing? Don't you think this is a little too bold considering you want to keep us a secret."
"I felt the need after the threat of dying. We are alone anyway."
John sat up. "Where is everyone?"
"Lunch."
"Good idea."
Elizabeth held him off. "Not so fast, Colonel."
"One more kissing session under the sea it is, huh?"
"Seize the opportunity as long as it la-"
*****
Only an hour to go until Rodney would try to submerge the city of Atlantis to save it from the Replicators. John and Elizabeth made use of the time to meet in his quarters.
"I'm sorry for making the wrong decision," he said, hanging his head.
"What's done is done."
"I should have listened to you, not to Colonel Ellis. I can't help but think that we're somehow responsible for this."
"It's okay, John. I'm grateful you came back alive. That's all I've asked for."
"There wasn't any danger. You have to stop to worry all the time."
"I know." She messed with his hair.
"Ellis said I should be the one running Atlantis and not you."
"Did he? What was your answer?"
"Then I'd be The Man, and who would I have to rage against?"
She burst into chuckles. "I love you, John Sheppard."
"Uh... okay... considering I expected rather anger than love... after what I... this is... "
She unzipped his pants.
"Uh... Elizabeth... I don't think this is the moment..."
"...you have a couple of minutes to be The Man..."
"I won't even last that long if you keep doing this...."
*****
"I need a medical team to the Control Room, stat! Multiple injuries!" Rodney screamed over the radio.
"Elizabeth!" John leaped out of the Chair and raced off. What happened? Who is injured? What have I done wrong? He barely noticed the many people screaming in pain when he reached the control room. He needed to know that she was alright. Medics were treating a couple of injured people who were covered in cuts from the broken glass. Dr. Keller who was helping to lift a stretcher containing Elizabeth's unconscious body onto a gurney caught his eye at once. No! This can't be!
Elizabeth's head was bound with a large bandage, she was wearing a neck brace, had an oxygen mask over her face and was covered with a blanket.
"Keller, what happened?" he choked out, fighting a panic attack.
"Apparently the beam grazed the tower and blew out the ..."
"Is she gonna be OK?" It's not that bad. She will beat this. She is tough.
"I don't know yet. She took quite a fall and her pupils are sluggish. I'm gonna have to get her under a scanner. I'll know more in a bit." She followed the medic as he wheeled Elizabeth out of the room.
John's heart was on fire. She is seriously injured. Jesus! Why's this happening to us? Why now? What am I going to do? What if... No! Don't even think that. That's not an option. He forced himself to focus on the people who needed help. He forced himself to stay calm. He knew that was what she wanted. She needed him to take control. She needed him to be the leader. The man... who has no one left to rage against... He shivered.
*****
John was standing just inside the door of Elizabeth's office, looking into the room. Her office seems strange without her sitting at the desk. Empty. Abandoned. Inexistent even.
Rodney joined him. "Any word on how she's doing?"
"She's still in the O.R. No real news yet." Don't bother me. Don't make me think of her injured. Don't.
Rodney patted his arm. "I'm so sorry, Colonel. This must be hard for you."
"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "But I know she needs me to focus on the city."
"Right." Rodney shuffled his feet. "But I know how much you... and her... ermh..."
"Rodney, please, I can't do this right now. I..." He closed his eyes in agony. "It's my fault."
"That's nonsense... John." Rodney seized him by the shoulders.
"No. It's not. I'm..."
Rodney tried to hug him. The one man who was famous for being incapable to be close to anyone was trying to comfort him - somehow.
"...responsible." John pushed him back. He wouldn't allow himself to be weak if even for a moment. He couldn't break down.
"I... I'm sorry." Rodney flushed and stepped back.
"No. I'm sorry. For everything." He couldn't be mad at Rodney. Without him Kolya would have killed Elizabeth years ago. She wouldn't be here. He and she wouldn't even have had those few years together. "I know what you're trying to say, my friend. But I'm bound by honor to do what is needed for everybody not only for me." He walked away.
*****
Jennifer came out of the O.R. "Colonel?"
John looked at her in dread for a moment, then reluctantly walked over to her. She put her hand on his shoulder and steered him away from everyone else in the room. They walked over to some computer screens showing the O.R. where medics were treating a post-operative Elizabeth. One was wrapping a large bandage around her head.
"Is she OK?" Dumb question. Can't you see that she is not? Just look at her.
"She's alive, but she's in bad shape. She's got six broken ribs, one of which punctured her lung. Amazingly, she doesn't have any spinal damage ... but her head got knocked around pretty good. She's suffering from cerebral oedema, which may have caused substantial brain damage."
"What does all that mean?" Only a few hours ago we made out. Only a few hours ago I held her in my arms, her virulent body bent in pleasure... her lips glistening....
"Well, it's too early to know for sure but, if she survives -- and I gotta stress the 'if' ... she'll never be the same Elizabeth again."
John stared at the computer screens. Never the same Elizabeth again? What does that mean? Only an empty vessel? Just a face with no mind at all? Not my brave smart passionate Elizabeth? Not the woman I love more than anyone else?
"I'm sorry."
John continued to stare at the computer screens. If I stop listening... if I stop believing all of this... maybe... maybe...I'll wake up from this nightmare...caused by the nanites...right? This is just a vision caused by the nanites flooding my mind and body... this is not the real world....
"I've gotta get some things and get back in there. We're under-staffed. Most of our team's on the Apollo." Jennifer walked away.
John fought not to cry. I lost her. Too late to make a life for us. She left me alone. He felt as beaten as Elizabeth looked. "It should have been me... not you... never you... why didn't you stay away from this stupid window? Why didn't you...?" No, it's my fault. I did this. If I wouldn't have gone on this mission... if we wouldn't have attacked the Replicators... if... if...why wasn't I with her when it happened? Why wasn't I able to protect her? Why didn't I tell Keller what she really means to me? Why didn't I tell she's my true love? Why for god's sake? I'm the man. I should have... could have... oh god... I'm as much to blame as she is.... Tears sprang to his eyes and his heartbeat pounded like a hammer in his chest and ears. Crap! He wiped his face. He had no time for personal feelings. Atlantis was in danger and with Elizabeth incapable to lead he had the command. He was responsible for the safety of these people. It would be wrong to focus on her. It would be wrong to waste time by mourning her. He had to save everyone. He had to pull himself together. He had to be the man even though he felt as broken as this city floating aimlessly through endless space.
"Elizabeth... I'm sorry...forgive me..."
He moved on and left her behind. Though nobody would ever know how much he wanted to quit and stay with her. Nobody but him.
The stars went black.
