Shadow and Light
Author: Daniela
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: John Sheppard/Elizabeth Weir
Rating: R
Category: Angst, Romance
Series/Sequel: No
Summary: A journey bears a lot of opportunities.
Warning: Sexual harassment
Disclaimer: No one of Stargate: Atlantis belongs to me.
Least of all Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. Damn.
Feedback: Yes, please. Every word opens a new gate.
Email: daniforblue@yahoo.de
Released: September 2005
Revised: January 2020
Beta: Anomaly
Word Count: 6117
Undisturbed the Daedalus glided through eternal space. Eighteen days the space cruiser needed to get to Earth and eighteen days to get back to Atlantis. Like the stars, the ship was only one blinking spot in the surrounding blackness. Time virtually crawled on the Daedalus and it was a miracle no one went nuts in the process.
Such as I may wind up before the end of this trip, Elizabeth thought, sulking. Still eight days to go until we reach Atlantis. Eight days in which we stay penned up in this big coffin. Endless days in which we have almost nothing to do.
Important stuff was handled by Colonel Caldwell and his crew. The members of the Atlantis team were mostly just standing in the way, barely tolerated by Caldwell, treated almost like intruders.
Elizabeth was fed up with following Caldwell's orders and the limited space on the ship, though at this hour she was basically alone. Almost everyone was sleeping, only guards and some technical staff were at their posts. Unfortunately Elizabeth wasn't able to fall asleep without hearing the sound of the ocean anymore.
She stared through the window at the countless stars. This last visit to Earth had been only to carry out her duty. It had been necessary to talk about important matters considering Atlantis. Once again, she had argued through a lot of differences with the men in charge. The matter of John Sheppard being the ranking officer in Atlantis had been brought up again.
Why can't they accept that John is the right man for this position? Doesn't what he had done to save Atlantis matter? Why can't they let it go? She had stood up for John, of course. They had to let him return to Atlantis. Sure, I know what they are thinking. They believe John is my lover. Men. They are so narrow-minded. As if you can only care for a man if you fuck him. They can't believe there is more than sex. Trust. Friendship. Partnership. I need John at my side. I can't lose him. He keeps me strong and focused. I can confide in him.
Since Simon had broken up with her she had no further attachments left on Earth. Only Sedge. No one left but a dog. All her friends, her work, her whole life was in Atlantis. The city of the Ancients had become her home. She couldn't wait to get back.
They had to bridge space by flying with the Daedalus though, and the last days had been lonely for her. There had been no one she could talk to, no one she had wanted to talk to. She had avoided everyone on purpose. Her recent conversations with Caldwell had been intolerable because he was still pissed that she had defended John so convincingly.
Rodney, who was always busy with something, which he claimed to be most important, was living in his own little world, almost boring her to death with science matters every time they ran into each other. Only her meetings with John had been blissful. Until three days ago when she had overheard a conversation between John and Rodney by accident.
"So how's it going with you and Teyla?" Rodney said, sounding pleased.
"What do you mean?" John replied, kind-heartedly.
Elizabeth smiled. How could some people think they don't like each other?
"Don't you have the hots for her?" Rodney razzed him.
"Every man who doesn't is probably blind."
"Not every man dared to kiss her, Colonel."
"Who told you that?" John snapped, shifting.
"Oh, I have my sources."
"Did you tell anybody else?"
"Why? Do you want me to?"
"No, not particularly."
Rodney sniggered. "Keep your voice down then."
"Right." John huffed. "Just keep that private, okay? I wasn't myself that day. The virus...."
"I see. What's your concern anyway? That the woman you have the hots for will find out?"
Elizabeth perked up her ears. What woman? Who's Rodney talking about?
"Are you asking me all these questions because you're keen on Teyla yourself?" John side-tracked him.
Damn! Elizabeth sulked. I always believed men like to brag a little.
"Me?!" Rodney spluttered. "Are you out of your mind?"
John laughed.
Elizabeth had heard enough. Knowing their typical bickering would go on for a while she left, feeling not in the slightest amused. John had kissed Teyla. Kissed her during his infection. It surprised her how much pain it gave her just to think about it. The virus made him do it, he said. Why didn't he kiss me then? Why did he smash me against a wall trying to strangle me?
Not seeing where she was going she ran into someone. Sergeant Wright. Shit! Elizabeth disliked the new Sergeant, Caldwell had brought along to replace Sgt. Bates for the time he was recovering from his concussion. Sgt. Wright was too full of himself. Always marching around as if he was general. Always watching her with a peculiar smile on his lips. His strange grey eyes gave her the shivers. She truly missed Sgt. Bates. Sure, he had been unfriendly and strict at times but at least he had been honest with her. He had never played any games.
"Dr. Weir," Wright greeted her, eying her up.
"Sergeant," she replied and rushed on. She wanted to be alone. I wish Teyla was here so I could talk to her. Some girl talk to calm my nerves. But Teyla hadn't shown any interest in coming with them. I guess it has something to do with someone who hasn't the best table manners. Elizabeth remembered Teyla's flimsy excuses for staying in Atlantis. Why did she kiss John then? Why didn't she tell me?
She dropped on her bed. Well, not her bed but Caldwell's. His quarters were hers for the time she traveled with the Daedalus. It bothered her that she had to stay in Caldwell's quarters. The man himself bothered her, particularly since he had started to come on to her.
Just perfect. The man I'm longing for has kissed another woman who happens to be my friend. The man I dislike hates the man I like who happens to be under his command. She turned and pressed her face into the pillow. How could I believe John's friendship would be enough to make me happy? How could I believe it would be better for both of us to keep our relationship strictly professional? I'm so stupid. I've always wanted him. I've often dreamt of him kissing me, but now he has kissed Teyla and not me. Have I missed my chances?
*****
Three days and nights later she stood in the same dark aisle staring at the stars outside. The only one on this ship she liked to talk to was John but she was avoiding him. For heaven's sake. He had kissed Teyla. So what? That didn't mean she couldn't talk to him anymore. That didn't mean he was a different person. Right. Pull yourself together. Her neck felt ticklish and she rubbed the nape with her hand. She just didn't know how to deal with him right now. She just didn't know how to look at him without thinking about kissing him senseless.
She touched the glass with her hand, and let her mind drift to hopefully happier times in a faraway future. A fabulous, unrealistic future, in which everyone would be loved. Her neck bothered her again and she rubbed it more firmly. She didn't notice the figure in the shadows, which had been watching her for the last couple of minutes.
*****
There she was. The leader of Atlantis. A woman. How could anyone believe she would have the guts to lead anything as important as the city of the Ancients? A woman was only good for one thing. But that bitch had every man on this ship wrapped around her little finger. Even his commander. The dumb idiot was running after her like a drooling dog. It was disgusting. Every man on this ship wanted to get into her pants. Well, me too. Why is she lingering in the dark? What's wrong with her? Is the bitch lovesick? He grinned. She won't stay that way much longer. I'll make her forget the bastard she's sighing about. I'll show her what a real man is made of.
*****
John Sheppard didn't feel sad or bored. Simmering with rage he stormed through the corridors of the Daedalus. For two days he had been unable to get any sleep and his last clash with Caldwell had been the straw that broke the camel's back. He swore and startled the few crew members he passed on his way. I'm ridiculous. I need to calm down. I'm making a fool of myself.
Any meeting with Caldwell ended badly for John but the most recent one had been the worst. John couldn't believe what he had been told. Caldwell's reproval about various mistakes John had made in the past months, particularly the loss of another puddle jumper, had been harsh but John was used to being treated like crap.
Then the subject of Rodney's failure had come up again and to his surprise he had defended the snarky scientist despite his anger on the day the disaster had happened.
"It was a mistake. Rodney knows that. But he is doing everything he can to make up for it. I was wrong as well. I trusted him and asked Dr. Weir to trust me."
"Well, I'm not surprised. She trusts you without a doubt," Caldwell snapped.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Do you think I don't know you keep her wrapped around your little finger."
"Excuse me?" John snorted.
"Dr. Weir would approve of anything you suggest."
"With all due respect, sir...."
"It's obvious she can't treat you objectively."
"Really? What gave you that idea?"
"I have observed it on many occasions."
"Name just one."
Caldwell's eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me you don't know that she was responsible for you remaining on your post in the first place?"
"What?"
"Dr. Weir forced the command to promote you to Lt. Colonel. Dr. Weir insisted on bringing you back to Atlantis, though everyone else disagreed. She even threatened everybody in charge that she would take advantage of her influence in the White House."
John was stunned speechless.
"I don't know how intimate your relationship with Dr. Weir is, though it doesn't matter. You are under my command and I'm the one who approves or disapproves your past, present, or future actions, never mind what Dr. Weir has to say."
John clenched his jaw.
"Do I make myself clear?!"
"Yes, sir!"
"I hope losing the puddle jumper was the last mistake on your end, Colonel. Dismissed!"
John dashed off. How could she do that to me? Does she think I'm not good enough to earn a promotion all by myself? Does she think I need her to speak for me? He stopped, catching his breath. What's wrong with me? Why am I so mad at her? She didn't do anything wrong. She just wanted to have me back in Atlantis. But why didn't she tell me what she had done? Why did she keep it a secret and let me make a complete fool of myself in front of Caldwell?
John clenched his fists. He had already figured out Caldwell was keen on Elizabeth. The way he looked at her, the way he observed her, the way he spoke her name. Damn! I know she doesn't belong to me and I have no right.... He turned a corner and almost ran into Elizabeth who was standing right across, leaning against a window.
He jumped backwards, hiding in the shadows. His anger blazed up again. No, I can't talk to her. Not now. For the last three days he hadn't seen much of her. Every time she had come across him, she had turned the other direction. He was sure she was avoiding him, though he didn't know why. Holding his breath, he watched her. What is she doing here? Why does she keep to herself? Whenever will I be able to figure her out?
Elizabeth stood perfectly still, one hand lightly pressed against the glass, exhaling a sigh every now and then. Aside from that she once or twice rubbed the back of her neck.
Does she sense I'm here? His throat became tight and his heart beat faster. A sudden urge to talk to her seized him and didn't let go. Just now he realized how much he had missed talking to her, being with her, despite his anger and confusion. "Elizabeth."
She whirled around, scanning the shadows. "John?"
John stepped out of the dark and joined her by the window.
*****
Sheppard. You bastard. Don't you dare touch her. She's mine.
*****
An unfamiliar feeling pounced her, a sensation she had never experienced before in his presence. Awkwardness. She felt worse than the day he had been infected with the virus. What's wrong with me? This is John. She swallowed and forced herself to look into his mesmerizing eyes.
"Is it true? Did you make them promote me to Lt. Colonel?" he said, skipping any small talk.
She was caught off guard. Shit! Caldwell! The damn idiot. "Well," she started, trying to find the right words to explain it all. "I just...."
"Do you think I need your protection?" he cut her off, his face a tight mask of anger. "Do you think I'm not man enough to speak for myself?"
"Of course not. I just thought it would be..." She paused for a second but then she countered his attack with equal fury. "Is it true? Did you kiss Teyla?"
"What? How do you... No! Well... yes but... only because... I'll kill Rodney!"
"Leave Rodney out of this. He didn't tell me."
"Why are we talking about this anyway? I kissed Teyla only because I wasn't myself that day. It was the virus..."
"...which made you slam me into a wall," she finished with cold fury and was shocked how bitter and disappointed she sounded. Come on. That's not you. Let it go.
His eyes turned strangely bright and dangerous. "Did you want it the other way round?" He moved closer.
A pleasant shiver ran down her spine and she stopped breathing.
"Does Dr. Weir desire to be kissed by a man who can't control himself?"
"Certainly n-" Swept into his arms her speech was cut off by his hard lips. Sharp shocks of heat flared through her. The kiss was far from being romantic. No one had ever kissed her this way. He claimed her mouth like a prize and bruised the tender flesh thoroughly. All her senses were attacked in the roughest manner. Did she try to fight him off though? No. Not at all. The first shock gave way to unexpected pleasure because no one had ever dared to take control of her like this. Overwhelmed by thousands of confusing feelings, Elizabeth leaned into him, kissing him back while her hands took comfort in his adorable mess of hair. His slick tongue entered her mouth, finding its way around, and despite the harsh attack she was losing herself to simple and burning desire. The taste of him. Sweet and spicy. The unrelenting grip of his hands. The line of his taut body. He wants me. He will do as he likes. He doesn't care about authority or rank.
*****
He moved further into the shadows, watching the detestable couple with growing hate. Look at that bitch. How she enjoys herself. She likes it rough, huh?
*****
The ecstatic moan which rose in her throat was stifled by his eager tongue. Elizabeth shuddered and clung to his body, deepening the kiss in desperate need. One hand seized her neck and pulled her into him while the other fondled her breast. Their lips tightly locked, she felt his teeth with urging pressure. A sharp pain. He had bitten her. Oh god. The virus. He's losing it. He will.... She struggled in his grip.
At once John set her free.
Elizabeth stumbled back against the window and put a hand to her lips, shocked to feel wetness. She was bleeding.
John didn't say anything, though he was panting.
"How dare you?" she whispered and knew at the same time she didn't mean it. She had wanted this, she had wanted him for such a long time, even though his kiss had lacked any tenderness. To deny it would be a lie, the greatest lie of her life. But she had never expected it to be like this.
"Elizabeth, I...." he murmured, and lifted a hand to touch her face.
She flinched back. "Don't make this worse. Go."
The green fire in his eyes died. "Yes ma'am." He turned around and walked away.
*****
See. First the bitch turned you on and then she brushed you off. I never imagined you were such a wimp, Sheppard. I promise, she won't treat me like that. He licked his lips. Oh no, she won't.
*****
For a few seconds Elizabeth was rooted to the spot, a hand on her ravished lips. Then she took flight for her quarters. She didn't come far.
Rodney bumped into her way. "Hey. What's the hurry?"
She blinked. Her hand dropped down from her mouth.
"What the hell? What happened to you?"
"N-Nothing." It was just a kiss... yes but one which left a visible mark.
"Who was it?"
"No one." She flushed.
"Elizabeth...."
"Don't, please. It didn't happen without my consent." Oh god. She checked the corridor for unwanted listeners. Mercifully there was no one to be seen.
"Oh," Rodney murmured, looking embarrassed. "I see. The super-hero made a move at last."
"What?!"
He shrugged. "Don't tell me it wasn't the Colonel who did this."
"What gave you that foolish idea?"
"Do you think no one has noticed your feelings for him? Don't be naive, Elizabeth. Everybody knows you and Sheppard...."
"Everybody," she echoed, folding her shaking hands.
"Yes, even Caldwell."
"Sure, that's why the bastard squealed that I was responsible for John's promotion."
"No surprise. Caldwell wants you for himself."
"That's not what I wanted to hear," she muttered, exasperated. "I'm not on the look-out for..."
"...a Colonel but just for a Lieutenant Colonel..."
"...anyone," Elizabeth said, shooting him a glare. "I'll be in my quarters."
"In Caldwell's quarters," he called after her. The second she was out of his sight he went looking for Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. This was going to be fun.
*****
John Sheppard sat in the break room, holding a cup of coffee, but just to keep his hands from trembling. He had fucked up. Right. He had fucked up big time. She must think I'm some animal. Some uncivilized beast. How could I let this happen? How could I bite her? She must think I'm a freak... that... that the virus is back. He snorted. No, I can behave like this by just being me. I'm able to treat a woman like prey. "Crap," he railed into the half-empty cup.
*****
Good. She went to her quarters. He quickened his steps to catch up with her. The time has come for you and me to be together. Don't worry. I know what you like.
*****
Well, there he was. Sulking into a cup of coffee. He looks even more jumbled than Elizabeth, Rodney thought, eager to make things right. "Why are you backing down? Get up and go talk to her."
John's head jerked up. "Huh?"
"Elizabeth needs to see you."
"I don't think so."
"Pull yourself together, Colonel. Be a man for heaven's sake."
"McKay," John growled. "This is none of your business."
"Why did you kiss her anyway?"
"Uh... that was a mistake. I messed up. I scared her."
Oh, look. The super-hero is blushing. "Are we talking about the same woman? The woman I've never seen scared?"
"You don't understand. My behavior was totally out of line."
"Sorry, I was wrong. I actually have seen Elizabeth scared. Frozen with fear the day you left to blow yourself up by trying to take down a whole Wraith ship all by yourself."
"Rodney, I'm telling you...."
"Come on, John," Rodney urged him in the nicest tone. "She needs to see you. Now. You better run."
*****
Elizabeth reached the door to Caldwell's quarters and opened it.
"Dr. Weir? May I speak to you for a second?" Sergeant Wright approached her out of the blue, looking curious.
She licked her lip. Is it still bleeding? "Not now. I'm tired."
"It concerns Colonel Sheppard."
What now? She hesitated only briefly, considering, then she invited him in. The second the door had closed, she felt, no, she knew she had made a big mistake. But it was too late.
Wright grabbed her from behind and pressed a hand over her mouth, stifling her scream, whispering into her ear, "Hold still, bitch, or I'll kill you."
The sour smell of alcohol and sweat attacked her senses in the same moment he ripped her shirt open and seized one of her breasts. In disgust she tried to fight him off.
"Stop pretending, bitch," he groaned. "I know you like it. I've seen you." He squeezed her breast harder.
No, please, no. She struggled but then she felt cold steel pressed to her throat. Oh God. He has a knife. He's going to kill me.
*****
His heart was beating like a hammer in his chest when John arrived at Elizabeth's quarters. "Caldwell's quarters," he growled, not sure how he wanted to explain himself to Elizabeth. Just for saying his given name Rodney had made him come here, John conceded, lingering in front of the door. Well, he had never done that before. If that guy was able to rise above his pride he was obliged to be a man and put things straight. Oh, yeah, he was ready to spill his guts. Any moment now. He just needed a few seconds to calm himself. Crap! This is harder than I thought. He leaned against the doorframe. Not a sound was heard from inside the quarters. He gulped. Come on. Don't wuss out. "Elizabeth?"
*****
Oh God. It's him. He had come here not knowing she had never needed him more.
"Elizabeth, please let me in. I need to talk to you."
Don't go, please. I need you. She opened her mouth.
Wright cut deeper into the flesh of her throat.
She whimpered, a sound too soft to be heard by anyone.
"Elizabeth? Are you there? Is everything alright? Answer me if you can?"
She dared to whimper again. The knife cut deeper. The pain turned crimson.
The next second the door whooshed open and John stormed into the room.
God, his ears are not just for the looks, she thought, mistimed.
"Let her go!" John snarled at Wright.
"No way, Colonel," Wright panted, his face dripping with sweat. "Get out!"
"Never! Are you nuts!?"
"I'll kill her if you don't do what I say."
Catching up on the situation John's eyes narrowed. Elizabeth's shirt ripped open. Her breast abused. A knife at her throat. "If you'll hurt her I won't just kill you. I'll make you suffer."
"I'm the one in command, Colonel." Wright grinned, and squeezed Elizabeth's breast, mocking John in the most vicious way.
Feeling the pressure of the knife loosen, Elizabeth took the chance. As hard as possible she stomped on Wright's foot.
The Sergeant jerked backwards.
The blade slithered over her flesh and was gone. Gasping, Elizabeth braced herself for being hit, or worse, stabbed in revenge. She was too slow to prevent what happened next though.
John passed by her. Wright screamed. John smashed Wright down to the ground, where the two men were fighting each other meshed up in an entangled mess. Stifled gasps. The flash of a sharp blade. A spurt of blood.
"John!"
Though he was bleeding John was able to fend off the next attack with his fist. The knife flew out of Wright's hand and jangled to the ground.
"Stop it! It's over." She picked up the knife and rushed to the door to hit the alarm button. The sudden wailing throughout the ship was deafening but she could hear Wright's screams over the noise anyway.
John hit him with his bare fists - over and over again. "You bastard. I'll kill you."
"John! Stop!" Elizabeth pleaded. "Just stop. He isn't fighting back."
Wright's face was a bloody mess but John didn't care, nor did he mind all the blood spilling out of the injury on his own arm.
Men burst into the room then. Men with guns. One of them was Caldwell. "Colonel! I order you to stop!"
John kept on beating Wright.
"Take him down," Caldwell said icily. The soldiers shot. The world went upside down. John gasped. Elizabeth screamed. John dropped off of Wright and slumped to the ground.
"Stop shooting you idiots! Sergeant Wright is the one who attacked me, not Colonel Sheppard. He was the one who saved me," Elizabeth raged at Caldwell and his men.
Caldwell looked horrified. "I just thought - Sheppard went mad again - the virus...."
"Get the damn doctor! Fucking idiots!" Elizabeth knelt down right next to John and turned him onto his back.
"I hate those bugs!" John grimaced.
"You're gonna make it," Elizabeth said to comfort him but also to calm herself. "It's not that bad." The stab wound on his arm had stopped pumping blood, though the injury on his lower leg where the bullet had hit him was bleeding considerably.
The medic team arrived. With experienced serenity they put John on a stretcher.
Elizabeth stayed at John's side. Her hands were smeared with blood and she was feeling cold.
Wright appeared almost catatonic when the security people dragged him away. Elizabeth caught a glimpse of his face and was shocked to see a pulp of blood and flesh.
She didn't notice that John was lifting a hand to reach for her.
Caldwell pointed at Elizabeth's throat. "You are hurt."
"Only a scratch." She shrugged it off. She didn't want to talk to him. Right now only John mattered to her.
*****
Twelve hours later Elizabeth was watching John resting on a bed in the medic station. He was drugged up with pain killers and covered by a blanket. Wright had been treated and then transferred to the brig. Shortly after Dr. Peters had thrown everyone else out, even Caldwell much to Elizabeth's delight. The first time for hours she was alone with John and her churning feelings.
In vain she kept trying straightening his hair only to set herself at ease. Seeing him like this split her heart into a million pieces. This isn't good. I've lost my objectivity. I can't allow myself to feel more for one member of Atlantis than for the others. I can't make someone special, particularly not the 2IC. I'm the leader. I....
John murmured in his sleep, a desperate whisper of home and family and loneliness. One name then. "...Elizabeth..." The need in his voice made her eyes wet with compassion. Why am I so hard on him and myself? Isn't it good to love someone, to care for someone? Isn't a companion the universe's greatest gift? She lowered her head and put a tender kiss on his lips. Her heart raced due to the risk of getting caught or turned down even. She had longed to kiss him again, to be near him again, she had longed to kiss him since they had met a long time ago. She should have been shocked by his wild behavior in the corridor but she wasn't. Just the same she was feeling drawn to him, still wanted him to take her in ways she didn't dare to think about.
His lips moved beneath her caress and he wrapped an arm around her waist.
She opened her mouth and his tongue slid in, teasing. This kiss was of a different kind, soft and gentle, and moist with love. Once more the distinct spicy sweetness swept into her mouth, its flavor binding her to him for now and forever. She kissed him back with all her heart; her tongue uniting with his, her hands held onto him as his did to her. She felt him trembling all over then and broke the kiss.
His eyes were half-open and the shadow of a smile touched his lips for a split second. Then his head dropped to the side and he sighed.
He had fallen asleep again.
She leaned back into her chair, taking his hand in hers. I always thought he's a predictable man. I never considered he could behave like he did in the last hours. Wild. Uncontrolled. Dangerous. I hate men who just take control but not if it's him. Never when it's him. Isn't that just silly? She rolled her eyes.
Dr. Peters entered the room. "Oh, I didn't know you were still here, Dr. Weir."
"Do you mind?" Elizabeth asked the female medic of the Daedalus. Don't you dare and order me out. I won't leave him.
"Not at all. The Colonel is too drugged anyway to notice anything."
You don't say! Inappropriate laughter bubbled up in Elizabeth but she swallowed her amusement the next second because Caldwell walked in.
"How's Colonel Sheppard?"
"Sleeping. Since when do you care?" Right now she hated the man's guts.
He actually looked shamed by her words. "Dr. Weir, I'm sorry for what happened. I never wished Colonel Sheppard any harm. I apologize for the misunderstanding."
"Was it also a misunderstanding that you told John about the way he got his promotion?" she countered, enjoying his embarrassment way too much but only because John was suffering.
"Uh... ermh...," Caldwell cleared his throat. "No, and I crossed a line there. Such a thing will never happen again. Colonel Sheppard is a fine soldier and earned his promotion, no matter how he got it."
"I'm not sleeping with him," she growled. Not yet.
"I... never...assumed...," he spluttered, shuffling his feet.
"Oh yes, you did. You thought I carried a torch for John because he was doing me."
"Dr. Weir!"
"It's true that John matters a lot to me. We care deeply for each other. But that's it."
"I understand. Anyway, I didn't know Sergeant Wright's problems were this serious. His wife left him recently - with an officer. Fact is he has started to drink a lot on a daily basis. But I never would have thought he would freak out like that."
"All right. Let's forget about it." She was looking at John though not him. "Good night, Colonel."
"Good night, ma'am." She heard him sigh. "I'm sure Colonel Sheppard will heal in no time having you at his side."
Gosh! I don't need this. My life is complicated enough, Elizabeth thought, unbalanced by his jealousy.
"I appreciate what Colonel Sheppard did for you."
Go. Please go. Only when she felt he had left her tension eased of and she rejoiced in watching John. It doesn't matter what Caldwell is thinking. It doesn't matter what anyone is thinking. It just doesn't matter.
John's soft breathing reminded her of the sound of the ocean. "I'm sorry but you have to understand I had no choice," she confessed. "They wanted to take you away from me. I couldn't lose you." Her heart beat faster. "I love you." The three simple words were barely a breath on her lips. There. She said them. No way of taking the sentiment back. She let out a sigh and closed her eyes. For the first time since they had left Earth, she fell asleep sitting in an uncomfortable chair, by listening to him breathing. The sound of him being alive.
When Dr. Peters returned to check on her patient, she found him and the leader of Atlantis sleeping, their hands intertwined as if they were washed ashore jetsam.
*****
On time the Daedalus arrived in Atlantis. Despite Dr. Peters' advice and Elizabeth's objection, John was already back on his feet.
Elizabeth had visited John daily when he had been bed-ridden but they had never talked about personal stuff. The matter of unspoken feelings distressed Elizabeth and she considered her options. She could let it go and never talk about it again. She could confront John and make him talk to her. She could shove him against a wall and kiss him senseless. Yeah, sure. She laughed walking down the gangway.
"How was your trip?" Teyla greeted her.
"A disaster."
"Uh... sorry to hear that."
"I was attacked, John was badly hurt and Caldwell acted like an ass."
"That is awful. How is Colonel Sheppard?"
"He's fine. Already being his old stubborn self again."
Teyla smiled. "I see. How are you?"
"I'm fine too."
"Even though the entire journey was a failure?"
"Not exactly. One incident in particular."
Teyla frowned. "I don't understand."
Elizabeth chuckled. "Neither do I. How's Ronon?"
"Ronon is fine," Teyla deadpanned. "Why are you asking? What is going on?"
"Right, let's talk about that. Let's talk about red-blooded males."
"Oh."
*****
John had fully recovered and the team was ready to go on their next mission. The prospect of sending him away, into possible danger, maybe to be hurt again, was hard for Elizabeth to bear. She couldn't let him go without confessing her feelings. She just couldn't do it anymore. The risk of losing him was too high. She was fed up with being in control. She was ready to take a risk. Here is my heart: Take it or break it.
Shortly before the team was due to move out she paid John a visit in his quarters. "We need to talk."
"Oh yeah?" he quipped, adjusting his uniform. "What's up? Something about the mission?"
"No, nothing like that. We need to talk about what happened on the Daedalus."
"Uh... ermh... Elizabeth... I'm really sorry for that. I promise something like that won't happen again."
"What a shame," she said, fluttering her eyelashes.
"What?"
"Since then I dreamt every night of you kissing me...."
He gaped and then he cracked a smile. "You did? Gee! You should have said so." He reached for her.
"I just did." She met him halfway but unfortunately their third time wasn't a charm.
Caldwell burst into the room. "Colonel Sheppard, are you....?"
Elizabeth and John jerked apart. Neither of them said a word.
Caldwell was looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. "Well, I see you're saying good-bye."
"Yes, sir," John said, straightening up, though his hair remained in disarray.
"Permission to leave," Caldwell ordered, unblinking.
John grabbed his gun and walked out.
"Didn't I tell you he would heal in no time with you at his side," Caldwell said, smugly.
Elizabeth turned her back on him and followed John. Come on. It' not too late. Be a leader and a woman.
John walked straight to the gate where the team was already waiting.
Elizabeth caught up with him. "We weren't finished, Colonel."
"Is that right?" He smirked.
"I think so."
"Well then." John stepped into her personal space, so close she could feel his breath on her face. "I should have done this a long time ago." He seized the back of her neck and pulled her into a kiss. The touch of his lips was as brief as a shooting star but a promise of coming pleasures as well. "I love you too, Elizabeth."
She sighed, her lips were quivering. "Never trust a man who pretends to be asleep." Those ears are not just for the looks indeed.
"Right." John laughed. "Let's go," he then snarled at his team. "We have to hurry. I need to get back as soon as possible."
"I can't imagine why," Ronon growled.
Teyla nudged him in the ribs. She and her match walked through the gate together.
"No, no, no, Colonel," Rodney complained, shaking his head. "I won't stress myself to support your needs."
"Shut up, Rodney." Despite the harsh words John's tone was sounding more like a caress.
"I won't-" Rodney huffed but his speech was cut off when he stepped through the gate.
John turned around and waved at Elizabeth, a peculiar glimmer in his eyes.
Just like at that day we came here for the first time, she thought, touched.
The next second he was gone offworld.
But he'll come back to me. Never before in her life had Elizabeth been so certain about anything. The gate was closed down. She turned around to get back to being the leader of Atlantis.
Our home.
