Drifting - 2/3
Author: Daniela
Fandom: Star Wars - Rogue One
Pairing: Jyn/Cassian
Rating: PG13
Category: Angst, Romance, AU
Series/Sequel: Yes
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: We are strangers, aren't we?
Warning: None
Feedback: Welcome home
Email: daniforblue@yahoo.de
Released: October 2019
Beta: darkswanjones
Word Count: 10513
1.
The critical moment when Cassian was hauled out of the bacta almost wrecked Jyn. Only the fact that he kept on breathing took the burden of her soul and sparked her to hold on to this void-like life. For days she kept to his bedside watching over him, hoping for his return amongst the living.
Though she was anxious for another reason. She didn't hear the strange voice anymore. She was shocked how much she missed the affection and concern in that voice, the comfort and strength she had felt by just listening to its rough whispering. Now she had only Cassian left. Cassian with his waxen face and broken body. He was like her at the mercy of this cold and hostile planet without any warmth or green to make anyone feel at home.
In desperate need she called out to the Force and touched the broken fingers on Cassian's right hand that matched hers at the left. Two pairs of crooked bones. A permanent reminder of the fateful day on Scarif. She outright begged for the voice to speak up. She begged for strength to keep on believing beyond hope. She bend to the powers of the Force.
***
Just hours after the denial of the counsel Jyn, Cassian and the rebels walked onto a cargo shuttle launching their mutiny. Taking action was so much better than discussing matters in a committee. Well then! Jyn was ready to fight. Mama. Papa. This is for you. They stole the ship right under everybody's noses and defector Bodhi, the soft-eyed and tortured soul, gave it a name. Rogue One. He flew the shuttle and them away from Yavin into their destiny. So many faces were around Jyn, curious and eager, and she regretted that she didn't have the time to learn all their names. The thought stung and she focused on one face to hide her discomfort. Cassian. His face had become tremendously familiar in the short time they were serving the cause. She didn't know how to look at him or not to look at him. He was the one man she knew the most amongst all these soldiers and then again didn't know at all. Yeah, and there was no time left to change that. A bitter taste filled her mouth, making her swallow hard. Hastily she drew a sip of water from her bottle. All right! Stop crying!
***
Dios. Cassian clenched his jaw, watching Jyn sating her thirst. In the midst of all the men she was glowing like a star, letting him feel the hope he had always talked about. She returned his gaze briefly and then turned around to talk to Bodhi. Cassian stared at her slender but strong profile. Could it be there was a chance for them? Could they make it through this and start a life together? Estúpido. Don't imagine things out of your reach. Don't try catching up to the stars. He snorted and noted Kay was watching him. He pulled himself away from the inspiring force that was Jyn. Don't think she's into you. She's as friendly to you as she is to Bodhi, Chirrut or Baze. We are soldiers, brothers in arms, nothing more. We are going to fight in a forlorn battle. Soon we'll exist no longer. Sí. Bueno! Drop it!
2.
A week into Cassian's comatose condition Jyn started strolling around the rebel base to stretch her legs and train her sore muscles. She met a lot of different creatures and people, all strangers to her, and learned more about the heroes that had destroyed the Death Star. She didn't make connections with anyone though. She didn't want to get attached. The pain because of her feelings for Cassian was doing enough damage to her. So she kept to the dark corners. Stayed deliberately alone.
One day then she bumped into a unique duo. A tall golden droid and a small round one. Threepio and Artoo. Those two made her remember how amazing it was to talk to anybody once in a while. Because of them she thought about Kaytoo and how much she missed the annoying screw head. She choked on tears and fled back to Cassian's bedside, holding his hand for hours. In spite of her retreat she couldn't escape the duo's insistent company and a week later their bickering wangled a smile out of her, the first one since the disastrous day at Scarif. Can that be? Am I healing? Fuck. Don't you dare! Your family and companions are dead. Cassian's life dangles on a string. In a jagged motion she wiped her smile and tears from her face.
***
Their journey to Scarif lasted a few hours. After giving her speech to the rebels Jyn roamed around, unsure of what to do with the futile time. She fought against an urge too silly to put in words and yet she went to watch Cassian resting in his bunk.
He looked as twitchy as she felt. "What's up, soldier?" he murmured, and his breathing quickened.
"Just making rounds to pass the time."
"Ah, and your feet guided you here?"
"Obviously." She stared into his eyes. The air was sizzling, making her lick her lips.
He frowned. "Y bien. Que pasa?"
Okay. Fine. The game is on, rebel. "You first."
"I cannot." He seized her wrist and thumbed the sensitive spot above the artery. "At least not now."
His cheeky touch was delicious. All the way indeed. She smothered a moan.
"Come on! Lay down with me." He exhaled and tightened his grip.
Yet she didn't turn away. She didn't mind his touch. She was rather curious and eager to get to know him better. She'd met the man she would permit a brazenness and closeness she wouldn't allow anyone else.
***
The way she kept hovering above him, being close enough to share the same breath, Cassian had to put up all his strength to keep in control of sudden urges. He could not give into his desire for a much wanted kiss, a kiss that could endanger their mission.
"Well, Capitán, now I'm curious." She pulled her hand free but laid down in a graceful movement.
Dazed by her compliance he fought against the power she had over him, and the disturbing feelings she elicited. He couldn't do this to her or the mission. He had to keep focused and in charge of things. He was stronger than this temptation threatening his simple life, stronger than his loneliness crying out for a companion, someone who was made to be his.
"Bueno! In return for your company I'll tell you... something." He moved a bit. She was too close. "I was thinking about my path in life and how I ended up here," he lied, okay, actually he wasn't lying. He had been agonizing over his past and an unrealistic future that was never going to happen. He was not that stupid to suddenly believe in magic and miracles because of one stranger breaking down his walls. "How I came to this?"
"I see. Did you come across a solution?"
"Para nada. So far I was always focused on doing my job no matter what. I was never diverted by anything or anybody."
"And now?" she whispered, moving an inch closer, one slender hand on his hip.
Dios! Don't do this! "Now I want it all to be different. Now I wish for the stars."
3.
In her short life Jyn had learned to wait on many occasions but never did the burden of time weigh so heavy on her shoulders. Almost every day she fell asleep at Cassian's side and woke up again in the morning, only to see that his condition hadn't changed.
A month passed by and she was about to lose hope when Draven walked in one late afternoon and hauled her out of an exceptionally depressive state. She didn't hate the man who had once ordered Cassian to kill her father but neither did she like him.
"I need to show you something," Draven said, his expression resolute.
She patted Cassian's hand and got up. "I hope something I care about." She followed Draven through a few icy hallways, keeping her anger in check. Not only versus Draven but all the curious eyes staring at her. Stop that. Leave us alone. You don't understand what had happened to us anyway. Why should you! Why indeed?
Draven was leading her into a storage space. A pitch-black metal figure was stuffed inside. An empty vessel.
"Kaytoo," she murmured, unsure of what to feel. The droid had been a crucial part of the short spell she'd shared with Cassian even though he was not made from flesh and blood. He would know what had happened if only his memory disc was intact. Indeed. She clenched her fists.
"We can't be sure. It might be a different Imperial droid. Though he was stuck under a metal panel close to the location where you and Captain Andor were found. The troops who picked him up knew about Kaytoo. They didn't dare leave him behind, but didn't know what to do with him otherwise."
"I'll take him," she said, looking through the bags stuffed next to Kaytoo. "Did they find anything else? I miss my mother's necklace."
"You had nothing on you but your clothes."
It must have been lost in the wave then. "I see." Trust the Force. The best of hearts are made of kyber. The saying of her mother filled her mind like a haunting melody. Come on. You know what happened. Your mother gave it to you for a reason. She knew that you would be safe with that thing around your neck. And I was. But what is my survival worth with Cassian being taken from me?
"I can't give you a proper explanation because I don't have one. Nobody can explain how you two have survived. It's considered a miracle."
...done by the Force, Jyn thought, and shivered. "Indeed."
He called two men to come over to help them move Kaytoo. "What I can give you is the back-up disc from Captain Andor's stuff if you want."
"I do."
***
Touched by Cassian's frankness Jyn put a hand on his hip. "How come? What changed?" She felt him tremble.
"I've changed. I'm tired of doing this alone."
"What about Kaytoo?" She leaned in, inhaling his scent.
"Sí, claro. He's my friend. He's made of metal though."
"I see." She inhaled and tasted his scent on her tongue. The desire to taste him all the way was overwhelming. "Why did you join the rebels if not to be among friends?"
He shrugged. "Hate. Revenge. Hope for a better world."
"Don't you believe in hope anymore?" She couldn't stand the thought of him losing all hope when he was the one she drew her hope from. He and his attitude had given her the strength to keep fighting after her father had been killed. Without him she would have stayed on that platform hugging his lifeless body waiting for death to take her, too. "Cassian?" She searched for his hand, seizing the rough but pleasant fingers, squeezing them. "I need to know." Don't do this to me. Don't take the spark away. Don't give up just now. "Am I alone?"
***
The silken touch of her hand melted his doubts. "No. Not at all." Cassian swallowed words he wasn't ready to say. "I meant what I said. I'm with you. All the way." He moved closer, catching her spirit and warmth to be the man she needed.
"Good. I can't do this alone, you know. Not anymore. I'm tired, too."
"I got that, and I'm sorry you were on your own for such a long time."
"Not your fault." She snuggled up to him.
The trust she put in him caused unbearable heat flowing through his body. He flinched, scared of her sensing his desire. "Let's get some rest. We need our strength to survive."
"Indeed." She let go of his hand and put some space between them. "Let's focus on what we came for."
Mierda! He struggled to keep himself in check. He couldn't let all go down the drain for a few hours of passion. He wanted to, though. He wanted to kiss her, take her, make her come and scream his name. He spun around facing the wall. In the stillness that followed he heard her sigh. Lo siento, mí corazón.
4.
Even though she had never had the intention to make any friends Jyn's loose contact with Threepio and Artoo presented her with those. The droids acquainted her with the celebrated hero Luke Skywalker, the one who had blown up the Death Star, a man younger than her. Some kid, indeed. Luke was too kind and likable to just dismiss him. He was also skilled in robotic systems and was able to re-boot Kaytoo with the back-up disc given to her by Draven. The fact that Cassian had already put Jyn's very existence into those files, that Kaytoo's update only lacked the hours to and on Scarif unhinged her. How the hell had Cassian saved the time to do this? And why? The guess of the reason hurt and exhilarated her both the same. She was even more crushed now by the possibility that he could never wake up, that she could never tell him she didn't mind his feelings at all. The Force couldn't be this cruel. Saving him and then keeping him in limbo forever. That didn't make any sense.
***
Jyn couldn't believe how lucky they were. The code worked. They were set to land on Scarif. Or were the powers of the Force helping their cause? Were her prayers and the trust in the kyber stone her mother had given her for once justified? Whatever it was, a strange kind of exhilaration seized her and a rare smile spread over her face. Just then she noticed Cassian climbing up to the cockpit. He looked unsurprisingly worn out after just a few hours of sleep. Still there was a fire burning in his eyes as he smiled back. An energy that sparked her spirits even though she longed for many more hours of rest herself. Her disappointment about him not making a move and take her in his bunk had dissolved shortly after the delicate moment. She had been silly to even consider making out with him on the way to a suicide mission. She should be grateful he had kept his cool and backed down. She walked over and stopped right in front of him, touching his arm, squeezing. Despite all reason she was avid for intimacy and breathed his scent in, smelling leather and leaves. Home. Okay. That's enough. Not in the middle of a crisis. "I'll tell the others." She startled and moved on. Damn. Nothing justified her feelings. She didn't know this man or his agenda. Neither was this the time or the place. There was the mission and the fate of galaxies. She couldn't jeopardize all that for one man, for an attraction she couldn't spell out anyway, could she? She couldn't be that selfish.
***
Cassian caught his breath. Why was Jyn touching him while other people were around? How was he already addicted to that radiant smile of hers? How could he have fallen for a woman so fast? Now he even caught her shivering and spotted a touch of red on her cheeks. "I'll tell the others," she murmured and hurried off. Dios mio. He smirked against his will. Don't think you're the only one feeling so much. I'm right here with you. I'm fighting the urge to make a fool out of myself. I just can't. Not with hell waiting for us. Not today. Maybe tomorrow or someday. Any day. I would like that. Sí. I would like to kiss you senseless and pin you to the bed until you scream with pleasure. I would like to make you smile forever. He rolled his eyes. Estúpido. That will never happen. You will die today. You know that, don't you? You will die and nobody will mourn you. You don't deserve a better life after all you have done anyway. You don't deserve someone like her. Dios mio. He gasped at the prospect of loss that was inevitable.
5.
Two days after Luke had fixed Kaytoo he introduced Jyn to Princess Leia, the rebel leader who seemed the same age as Luke, and his rogue smuggler friend.
"Solo!" she blurted at the sight of the guy. That she recognized him was a mere miracle. She had only met him a few times when he'd done business with Saw. He had been an annoying show-off, flirting with every woman around, sometimes causing a riot. He had been some amusing company though.
"Do I know you?"
"We've met before, yes." That this guy was one of the Death Star heroes was just unfair. Cassian deserved that honor so much more. "Does the name Saw Gerrera ring a bell?" No surprise he couldn't remember her. She had been very young back then, and had been using a different name. Which one has it been?
"Sure. I remember now. You're one of his fierce troopers, right? The pretty girl he was so proud of." He flashed her a smile. "Liana?"
She didn't mind Solo's flirting today as she hadn't back then. He was not the kind of guy she was ever in danger falling for. He was the kind of guy who never settled down for anyone or anything. He was not reliable. Just now she noticed that Princess Leia was freezing up. Oh. Look. The girl of royal blood had already fallen prey to Solo's cheap charm. "That was an alias. I'm Jyn Erso."
His grin broadened, and he leaned in. "You're the one who stole the Death Star plans from the Empire?"
"Uh... that wasn't just me. I had help. Cassian, Chirrut, and Baze..." Shit! She couldn't go on thinking about Bodhi, soft-eyed Bodhi... and Baze, who wished her luck the last time she'd seen him alive. She wouldn't cry in front of those people, who had stolen the tribute of honor from Cassian, would she? Not after all she'd already been through. Not after she had survived the impossible.
Solo patted her shoulder. "Yeah, I've heard. Well done, kid. All of you."
"Thanks." She moved back, getting some space between him and her, fearing that the princess was going to have a fit otherwise.
"Han," the leading lady said, lips tight and eyes as cold as the walls surrounding them.
"Ah... sure, sorry. May I introduce her highness Princess Leia," Solo said, smirking. "She's the one in charge."
The princess nodded at her. "I'm honored to meet you. We couldn't have done it without you."
"No, indeed not," Jyn replied in a matching cold voice.
Caught flat-footed the princess stared at her. Solo snorted. Luke cleared his throat.
"How rude." Kaytoo blinked. "Jyn Erso is correct though."
The princess' response was not what Jyn expected. Her highness laughed and seconds later everybody around joined in. Everybody but Kaytoo of course.
***
Despite the evil people ruling the place, Scarif was more beautiful than most of the planets Jyn had been to. The bright yellow beaches and the blue water glittering in the sun were a tremendous sight to remember forever. The perfect place to lay back and enjoy yourself instead of coming here to fight and kill and soaking the sand crimson. She swallowed. She knew what was waiting ahead and it wasn't a flight to the blue horizon but death in all his dark glory. Her speech about winning was the right thing to do even though she didn't believe they could make it. After all neither she, nor any of those men mattered at all. The mission did. They needed those plans regardless how many souls will lose their lives to get them. Neither she, nor Cassian mattered when compared to the fate of the galaxy.
Cassian did matter to her though. She would fight to the bitter end to save him and all these people who had become dear to her. For once she fought for a good cause if there ever was one. For a short time she even believed they could make it. Almost too easy they got into the secured area, concealed in the stolen uniforms of Stormtroopers.
Though Kaytoo was his discouraging self. "I have a bad feeling about this," he complained, entering the inner circle.
"Kay," Cassian snapped him into silence. He sounded unsure himself, though.
Jyn's fear of losing this cause and Cassian as well increased to a painful level.
***
Cassian was walking in the midst of enemies as if he was set on autopilot. He could barely form the needed words to get Kay to do what was necessary and command the team out there waiting for his signal to blow everything up. The fear of being detected and got killed was overbalanced by his fear for Jyn. He couldn't imagine her dead. He didn't want to think of her dead. He'd die to let her survive and get away. So when the signal was given and the shooting started and they were trapped inside the citadel, he was almost glad because he hadn't a second left to think or worry anymore. He was a soldier doing his job. His numbness faded away when Jyn told him her father had called her Stardust. He couldn't help but smile at her. Sí, claro. That's why I feel so much for you in such a short time and why I will do everything to make you keep on shining up there in space. Mi estrella bonita. His hopes rekindled and were crashed almost immediately when he was losing Kaytoo. He'd never considered the droid wouldn't survive. He was neither flesh nor blood. His best and only friend. He was screaming his name and then he looked at Jyn. What now? What to do to get her out of this hell? I'll give it all. My life. My soul. My eternity.
6.
A few weeks after Jyn got acquainted with princess Leia she was asked to go on a mission with Solo and Chewbacca. The princess wanted confirmation about some rumors considering the Empire realigning many of their troops. She wanted to know why to be one step ahead of them. Jyn didn't like to leave Cassian's side but was also fed up with waiting for a miracle. She was keen on fighting those Imperial bastards, though she wondered why the princess did send her along with Solo in the first place. She couldn't ignore how unhappy the leader looked seeing them leave. Was it fear for Solo's safe return or jealousy about him making a move at her? Well. Don't worry, your highness. If he dares I hit him where it hurts the most.
Whatever else went wrong, she mustn't have worried about Solo. He did not try anything. But the mission was a failure. They didn't find what they were looking for and she got herself almost killed by jumping into some crossfire without a second thought.
"Do you have a death wish?" Solo was screaming at her.
She shrugged. "Maybe. If I had known you're this sensitive I wouldn't have come."
"Don't you dare and put that on me, kiddo." He pointed at the back of the ship. "Go and get some rest. That's an order."
She went without any protest. She was as disappointed and shocked by her actions as he was. She flung herself into the bunk, squishing her shoulder. Ow! Bloody Hell! No, she didn't want to die but sometimes she considered her existence basically meaningless. She cared for nobody but Cassian and he was as good as dead. Oh, come on. That's not true. She started crying anyway, was sobbing into the fabric of the bunk, though as quietly as possible because she didn't want Solo to know how weak she was.
When they were back on Hoth Solo was still angry with her. "Don't ever do this again, damn."
"Yeah, sure." Right now she didn't have any spirit left to argue with him or anyone.
He touched her shoulder then. "Hey, I'm sure Captain Andor will pull through. I heard he's tough."
"He is," she agreed, fumbling for an excuse to get away, before she was falling apart. Cassian. Are you still around or did you take your last breath after I abandoned you? Am I alone with strangers now?
The rescue came in the form of Kaytoo. "Jyn Erso needs time with Cassian," the droid snarled in his metallic voice. "She cannot wait any longer."
She loved and hated that droid. "No need to rub it in," she snapped at the companion.
"Go, kiddo." Solo grinned. "I'm not up to pay for your delay."
Despite her distress she didn't miss Leia's relief as she was leaving for the medical quarters. Dear princess, I pity you for that challenge. He's not the guy to make a home. Well, at least he's alive and walking, unlike the man I have the hots for. Do I look at Cassian like this? And what if I do? Does it matter? No, not at all. I would look at him the way I feel if he'd only wake up and live again. I wouldn't hold back, just give him my heart. Oh? Are you sure about that? Since when do you show anyone your true feelings? Since when are you brave enough to get attached to someone?
Stumbling to Cassian's bedside she was sure about one thing though. She would never leave him again. She didn't do well apart from him anyway. She was out-of-heart and a risk to anyone counting on success.
***
Jyn didn't lose time comforting Cassian even though she understood how tremendous the loss of Kaytoo was and how much the droid had mattered to him. She took action and shot the glass. If they couldn't get to the plans with the robotic arms then they needed to climb up there. They would make it. There was no doubt in her heart. When she looked at Cassian she knew he thought the same thing. He would follow her regardless of the dangers waiting ahead. In high spirits she made the risky jump and was lucky not to fall into the abyss. At once she started climbing up to snatch the plans her father had left behind. His legacy. She didn't feel exhausted or afraid anymore. She was in reach of success and Cassian was with her. All the way. Right. Her heart skipped a beat. Never had she felt less alone.
***
Cassian sensed Jyn's exhilaration and drive to make this happen and followed her without having a doubt she'd make it. He took care of the Stormtroopers shooting at her, firing back, hanging on to clear the way. He wasn't thinking about his survival. Getting her to the top was the mission. He was a rebel and that was what rebels did. Vamos! Arriba! He was so high on adrenalin he didn't even cry out being hit by a blaster. The only pain he felt was hearing her scream his name falling into the abyss. Not darkness but a cloud of sprinkling stardust went with him, nipping on his flesh. Sí. Ya está bien. He hit the bottom, smiling, as if he wasn't dying but flying up to the heavens to be among the stars.
7.
Jyn changed her mind. She couldn't just sit around, holding a sleeping man's hand, when the rebellion needed everyone in their relentless fight against the Empire. When Solo was willing to give her another chance she agreed to go on a few missions with him. The outcome was the successful destruction of various enemy troops. Afterwards she was having a few drinks with her new teammates, gratifying herself with some cheerful company and trivial conversation. Certainly Cassian's condition was still her main concern at every return to the base. Well, he was still breathing, but nothing more. She couldn't hurt him by looking for distraction occasionally.
One day Jyn and the team were coming back with rumors of concern. The Empire's bloodhounds were scanning the nearest galaxy. They had caught and imprisoned a few renegade rebels. Nobody knew who those rebels were and if the Empire was getting on to them interrogating the poor souls. Solo was unfamiliarly grumpy and Luke appeared almost listless. Jyn's regret of having survived the wave rose due to watching her latest friends suffer. The princess listened to Solo's urgent report right away but was keeping her emotions under wrap. Down-to-earth she ordered his team to keep the bad news to themselves.
Jyn was about to go and drown her sorrows in lots of hard liquor when Kaytoo stilted towards her. "Jyn Erso. Come now. Cassian is awake."
"What?" she startled, almost losing her footing. Chewbacca grabbed her by the shoulders holding her up.
Jyn wanted to melt and unravel in his furry embrace. I can't. Not now. I'm not fit to face him.
"Cassian is asking for you for days. He was, if I may say so, disappointed, you were out there on an adventure, instead of keeping him company in his fragile state."
"Shut up!" Though Kaytoo's accusation was unfair he hit a nerve.
"Told ya, he'd make it," Solo cheered, incredibly spirited already.
Luke shoved him. "Easy, Han."
"What?" Solo nudged his best friend in return. "Am I not allowed to cheer for those two? Now Jyn can finally lighten up a bit and make our missions easier."
"Don't even," Jyn shot at Solo, and was just as irritated by the smile that spread over Princess Leia's face. She almost never smiled.
"Just go, kiddo," Solo said, rescuing her from Chewbacca's breathtaking affection.
She huffed and hurried to the medical quarters. Cassian's awake. He's not dead. He's asking for me. What now? What will happen between us? She stopped, breathing hard, supporting herself on the icy wall. Whatever will we say to each other, now that we are not threatened by coming death or pressured by the constant fighting and the lack of time? What about, indeed? Her father's fate? The friends they had lost? Her bold move in the elevator?
"What is the matter?" Kaytoo snarled, catching up to her. "Do you not want to see Cassian? He will not understand."
"Leave me alone. You don't know what I want."
"I thought I did, seeing how you have suffered in the last couple of months."
He was right. She'd wanted nothing more than to get Cassian back and now she didn't dare to talk to him? How daft was she? "Just give me a second, okay?"
"I see." Kaytoo nodded and stood still for one second. "Okay. Done. Move on."
Jyn laughed, but felt like crying. "I hate you, you stupid screw head."
"You say so often, though I doubt it."
***
Jyn didn't think about Cassian lying dead down there. She needed all her strength to fight her way up to the top. She would send the plans and then, only then, she would allow herself to crack. Cassian hadn't fallen into the abyss for nothing. His sacrifice wouldn't be in vain. He relied on her moving on. Don't stop and think about him lying broken and shattered in enemy territory. Don't think at all. Climb! Do what has to be done and then, maybe, you can think about mourning a man you know almost nothing about. Bloody hell, Cassian. You promised. Why did you cross over without me?
Only by sheer force of will she made it up to the platform, to a place gleaming in bright and shiny light. She confronted damaged panels, twisted antennas and roaring fighters aiming for her without a second thought. She was ready to die as soon as she had fulfilled her duty. The prospect of certain death didn't scare her. She was prepared to join with Cassian and the Force as soon as she had sent the plans. She had nothing left to live for anyway. Then her worst enemy appeared, pointing a pistol at her, the man who was responsible for the death of her parents. The face of evil that was to blame for Cassian, too. So much loss. So much pain. So many reasons to break.
"Who are you?" he snapped, unwavering in his white cape.
She stood her ground though. "I'm Jyn Erso."
***
The darkness faded off but the pain remained, pulsing with every beat of his heart through his veins. Cassian raised his head, groaning. His right leg was screaming due to the movement, and his vision was a blur. He tasted copper in his mouth. Madre mío. He was bleeding inside. He was done. Yet he pulled himself up. Jyn! Where is she? Did she go on? Had she been shot? He looked to the top, seeing nobody. The Stormtroopers were gone. He was alone. Left behind. Mierda! He grabbed a piece of metal and pulled himself onto the next level. His body complained but he ignored the ruptures tearing him apart. He continued climbing. He had to be there. He'd promised. All the way. He wouldn't break his promise. Vamos! Para mi Madre and mi Padre. I can rest when this is done. I can take the bleeding. I can take the life draining out of me. As long as I'm able to breathe I'm able to wrestle my way up there where she is. Sí. Bueno! I'm coming, Jyn. I didn't abandon you or the mission. I'm coming to be with you and then, only then, I'm ready to leave this world without regret. Dios! It hurts! It hurts horrendously. Que sí! That doesn't matter. Crawl if you have to. He made it up there, barely standing, and arrived just in time to kill the man in white. The man who was about to shoot Jyn. He was damn lucky to be at the right time at the right place. He got it done.
She caught her breath and smiled at him.
He couldn't be happier, even though every bone in his body was screaming and he was for sure as good as dead.
8.
"Hey." Jyn couldn't say more. She smiled and shuffled her feet. She didn't know that man, right? She had known him once, for a few days, even dared to kiss him, and then he was gone. He had been longer absent from her life than he had been a part of it. Why was she feeling such a strong connection to him then? Where was the pull at her heartstrings coming from? What was the meaning of those overwhelming feelings consuming her?
"Hey. What's up?" His voice was as rough as gritting sand, his face pasty and unmade.
"Nothing new. Fighting the Empire. Coming back from a mission."
"What are you doing here then, eh? Isn't there a celebration with lots of booze going on?"
His smirk didn't offend her, was inflaming the weirdest fuzzy sensation in her belly instead. "Sure, but I'd rather talk to you." She pulled a chair and sat down at the bedside. "I've waited a long time to talk to you."
"That's what I've heard, sí." He nodded at Kaytoo standing in the back. "I couldn't believe my eyes seeing him. What you did-"
"That wasn't me. Luke did that."
"The Death Star hero? How come?"
"That's a longer story. I don't want to wear you out on your first day."
"I slept for months. I'm done resting."
"I see you are as stubborn as ever."
"That's funny coming from you." He stared at her left hand and the two crooked fingers. "You don't ever let go, do you?"
What do you think? I had to let go of so many already. She flushed and her eyes flickered to his right hand and the two mended fingers. "I didn't want to be alone over there."
"I know." He seized her hand. "Neither did I."
***
He's alive. Cassian's alive. He shot the man in white. He did the impossible. Jyn stumbled towards Cassian, smiling in spite of everything else. The Death Star. The mission. The hate for that man over there, lying on the ground, beaten and crushed. None of that mattered for a few seconds. Cassian was here. He was still with her. Exhilarated beyond reason she transferred the plans. My god. She did it. She finished what she'd started. Not everything had been for nothing. She leaned into Cassian. She was not alone. Cassian was holding on to her. Cassian was here to soothe her pain. He didn't let her kill the bastard who had taken the two people she'd loved the most from her. He didn't let her go down the path of revenge. Instead he pulled her close giving her comfort. She wallowed in the warmth of his care, stocking up on strength to get them both out of here and as far away as necessary. She and Cassian did their duty and were now ready to move on to a better life.
***
Dios! Breathing hard Cassian staggered along. He was at his limits. Though the smile Jyn gifted him with melted a bit of the pain away he struggled fiercely to stay on his feet. Only her spirits were giving him the strength to keep on moving. His heartbeat boomed in his ears and his insides screamed bloody murder. He couldn't have make the way back without her dragging him more or less along right into an elevator. Though all that didn't matter. She was alive. She had transmitted the plans. They would get out of here. A spark of hope in the midst of disaster. Sí. Ya sabes. Kay was lost and they didn't know about the others. How many were alive or dead? He didn't have any strength left to mourn anyone though. He needed every breath to keep on his feet. He couldn't give up just now with Jyn at his side. He would walk on until she was among friends. Only then would he let himself fall. The only regret was her. He would have liked to know her, to comfort and love her. He would have liked to make a life with her, a life in which he could have made amends and be a better man.
9.
In the next couple of days Jyn was splitting her time between her duties and visiting Cassian. She ignored Solo's banter and appreciated Luke's support. Every day she and Cassian talked until he fell asleep despite his statement he would never sleep again. The medical droid drove her from the room then.
She was stunned how easy talking to Cassian turned out to be and how fast they touched intimate matters. Since the disaster on Eadu she'd wanted to know so much about him but so far she didn't had the time or the courage to ask. Today she was ready because of a nightmare she had woken up from, a replay about her parents being trapped and killed in front of her.
"You once said you've been in the Rebellion since you were six years old. Were your parents killed when you were that age?"
"Sí, not together though." He continued eating his lunch, an undefinable mushy substance that looked flavorless.
"I watched them kill my mother. The man on the platform did that."
He nodded but didn't say anything.
She was glad. I'm sorry wasn't enough to do justice to a trauma like that. "I shouldn't have been there watching but I disobeyed my mother's order to stay hidden."
"I was running to my favorite place in the woods the day my mother shared my father's fate. I wasn't home when she died. I am alive because I broke the rules."
"We are alike indeed."
"What about that, huh?" He shoved the food aside and touched her hand. A twinkle was in his dark eyes. "I already thought so on Eadu."
She shook her head. "Never. You despised me on Eadu."
He frowned. "Eh? What are you talking about? I never felt that way about you."
Oh my god. Is this the moment? Okay. Fine. I can do this. She straightened in her seat, ready to say much more of significance, to touch the matter of the one kiss even, when Kaytoo stalked into the room. He brought Luke and Han along with him.
Damn. Jyn jumped to her feet.
"Hey," Solo cheered. "Nice to finally meet you. Jyn told us what for a great fighter you are."
"Oh, she did, didn't she?" Cassian let go of Jyn's hand. "And who are you?"
"This is Han Solo," Jyn said, crossing her arms. "I already told you about him. Don't mind his annoying nature. He's harmless. This is Luke. He's the one who fixed Kaytoo."
"Hello." Luke gave a shy smile.
"Annoying, huh?" Han said, winking at her. "We'll have a talk about that."
"I don't think so." Jyn nudged him with her hips. He laughed. She didn't notice Cassian's glum expression.
Kaytoo did. "Master Solo is up to speed about Jyn Erso's feelings, Captain. She-"
"Kay!" Cassian snapped at him and then he put both hands to his face, moaning.
"Cassian!" Jyn rushed back to his side. "Are you okay?"
"Sí, claro. Just a headache."
"Captain Andor needs his rest," Kaytoo snarled. "I was wrong to bring you here." He chased the two troublemakers to the door.
"But we just get here-" Han started. Luke shushed him, dragging him outside.
"I will make sure they do not come back," Kaytoo said and followed them into the corridor.
Jyn waited until she couldn't hear her friends arguing anymore. "Okay. I'm sorry I've worn you out. Let's call it a day."
Cassian seized her hand. "No. Stay, please."
"Well, only if you take a nap." He'd never know how much she wanted him to keep her close.
"If you go back to holding my hand I will."
"Okay. Fine. But you were holding my hand." She slumped down again.
"Bueno!" He closed his eyes. "I won't argue as long as you stay."
"Muy bien, me capitán," Jyn murmured seconds later, not sure if he heard her or had already fallen asleep.
***
In the elevator Jyn needed a few seconds to catch her breath, not only because she was exhausted but because she'd figured how severely wounded Cassian was. He wasn't able to walk alone least of all reducing his weight burdening her shoulders. She felt tears stung behind her eyes. She couldn't bear the thought of losing him even he was here with her. His face was in the shadows but his eyes were as bright as ever. He didn't speak a word. He didn't have to. She lifted herself up and kissed him gently on the lips. He tasted bittersweet like a fruit she'd once loved to eat as a child and which name she had forgotten. She leaned into the kiss and refreshed her memories. She wanted him to live. She wanted to taste more of him and the life they could have shared. She wanted to scream at destiny and the unfairness of fate. She wouldn't let him die on her. She wouldn't just give up on him. Don't go, please. Don't leave without me. I was never scared of being alone but now I am. She deepened the kiss but let go as soon as she heard him groan.
***
Cassian was never more surprised as now when she kissed him. A kiss as tender as it was desperate, tasting of fondness and anger both. He welcomed the kiss as much as he feared the unstoppable coming of death. Never ever he'd felt more regret in his life for losing someone. He was glad though that she would go on living. He put his arms around her, pulling her closer, kissing her back with a passion he didn't know he had the strength for. She shuddered in his grip and he smiled in spite of the cruel fate waiting ahead for him. She was open to his affections and under different circumstances he would rejoice in the wonder of winning her over. Now he only savored the moment to be strong enough for the darkness coming for him. He wouldn't last to see the next sunset. No futuro para me. A stab of pain raced through his chest and he groaned in agony.
She broke away. "Sorry."
"Don't worry. I'm okay." I can't wish for more or better than you taking my last breath away with such a kiss.
10.
After Cassian had risen from his comatose state Jyn stopped complaining about the cold or the harsh conditions on Hoth. She was content with what she got and welcomed every new day even if a snowstorm kept them underground for weeks. She learned to adjust to her new home and the simple amusements she shared with her friends. As long as Cassian shared the sullen and inhabitable planet with her she was fine. She joked with Solo frequently, talked with Leia about political stuff, which was amazing, and helped Luke to fix broken things. Once in a while she even hugged Chewbacca out of the blue just because she felt like it. Daily she was entertained by the ridiculous conversations Threepio and Artoo were having. Though those two were civil compared to the fights Solo and Princess Leia were carrying out many times. Jyn couldn't understand why those two kept each other company instead of going separate ways. What was the point of driving each other up the wall? Wasn't life harsh enough without having trivial feuds?
She and Cassian never fought. She was just too happy to get him back and have him as a friend to either complain about the many women that were drooling over him or the fact that she didn't see him for days, sometimes even weeks, going on a mission. He was always there waiting for her when she came back and he never showed interest in any of those women anyway. She trusted him and had no reason to be cross with him about anything.
Indeed, she and Cassian were best mates. They shared a drink or rolled the dice in a game or were united complaining about Kaytoo's annoying tics. They also trained together to keep in shape, always alert for a possible attack. The threat of the Empire tracking them down was always hovering above them. Apart from that she and Cassian were fine. Except for one thing. They never talked about the kiss they had shared on Scarif. The kiss that might have meant everything as well as nothing.
At first Jyn didn't mind Cassian not mentioning the kiss but eventually she started getting a little upset about it. Didn't he know what that kiss had meant to her? Didn't he feel the same? Had she made a mistake? Was he indeed only her friend? Had she read all the signs wrong fighting side by side? Whatever Cassian was feeling about her or not; Jyn turned restless and quarreled with whoever was available, everyone but Cassian. She didn't dare to confront him because she couldn't risk losing him. Even though he didn't share her bed she couldn't imagine a life without him. Not anymore.
***
When she and Cassian stepped out of the elevator a malicious shadow was hovering over the beautiful beaches and glittering water. The Death Star had arrived to crush every hope or dream Jyn might have held on to. Beyond exhaustion she couldn't cry or scream about the injustice of this so-called life. She just dragged Cassian to the edge of the water and lowered him to the sand. He slumped down, breathing harshly. She looked at him and all she saw was herself. A broken and lonely soul, wasted by the rebellion and the constant fighting in a war they couldn't win. Not today. Maybe never. She wanted to kiss him again, wanted to bury herself deep in his arms and his heart, tasting his flavor once more. The sorrow of losing him drained the will to keep on fighting out of her.
"Your father would have been proud of you, Jyn," Cassian said, bleeding his life into the sand.
He wouldn't have made it anyway. He's too severely injured. No, no, no. Her eyes were itching from plenty of unshed tears. She couldn't believe she was going to die next to the man who was worth to keep on living. She couldn't accept that this was the end. They had been through so much. Indeed. Yet the crunching sound of evil was rushing towards them, not giving a damn about their suffering. Oh, Cassian. She seized his hand, holding on to him, praying for a miracle. I'm with the Force. The Force is with me. Oh, Mama. Oh, Papa. I tried to stay alive. I'm sorry.
***
By sheer willpower Cassian held the excruciating pain torturing him at bay. He was angry, but not because he would never know if the plans were helping to beat the Empire. He was enraged because Jyn in her courageous beauty and full of spirits would be obliterated by the power of an artificial star. The girl who was called Stardust was going to die in front of him. He squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to witness her being wiped out from existence. That hurt far worse than his broken body. He would die arm in arm with a woman he could have fallen in love with. He'd never thought he'd regret anything as much as meeting Jyn Erso too late. He had never hoped for someone like her and now fate denied him the greatest gift in the galaxy. A gift he didn't deserve but was yet the greatest treasure in the last seconds of his life. At least he wasn't condemned to die alone and forsaken. He was going to die held by her, soaking up the spirit she spread around, prepared to join his long lost family wherever they'd gone. In the last second the wave steamrolled both of them he snapped his eyes open again and saw a light that might led to the world of curioso. He might even join with the power of the Force, a myth he'd never believed in though. Jyn! I'm sorry. I wanted-
11.
In place of the voice whispering to her Jyn gained comfort from her vivid dreams about Cassian. His handsome face. His captivating voice. His subtle touch. The casual way he moved around. The way he looked at her, making her feel strong and weak at the same time, making her believe in a world soaked in sunshine and colors. In those dreams a golden horizon loomed in the distance behind him where the shapes of lost people persuade her to walk towards them. As alluring they were she always turned away from those shapes. Even though so many she had loved had perished Jyn wasn't ready to join them just yet. She hung on to this world that was harsh and screaming white because Cassian was here with her and the hope to make a life with him made her turn back from the path leading to the golden horizon. That place in the Force. Not threatening. Not scary. Not at all bad yet Cassian's spirit kept pulling her away. Jyn. She couldn't resist his pull and the fierce burning that he sparked in her soul. She couldn't go to eternity with him still being in the life.
***
Jyn didn't remember the wave crushing down on her but only light as bright as a dozen suns. No heat though but coolness as soft as if she was dunked in cotton smelling like summer. The Force. Shapes were floating by. Voices were whispering. All those souls dear to her. She reached for them but couldn't touch them. Lah'Mu. The black hills she'd often climbed as a child. Her favorite doll. The one her mother had made for her. No, please. She started crying. No, no, no. I want them back. Please. She once more reached out and only caught a whiff of air lingering on her skin. She was picked up then, raised by energy and a voice spoke, soft and vividly, a voice she thought she knew yet couldn't identify. The voice led her through the diminishing light, up and up, past more shapes but different than the ones before. A spaceship wreck. A golden mantle. A giant tree. She didn't dare to touch those things. She feared to destroy what hadn't come to exist just yet. Please, she said once again, and was ripped into an abyss as deep as eternity. Please. Give me hope at least.
***
Cassian wasn't blinded by light but darkness as thick and lush as velvet. Not cold though but warm and sweet. A place like home. Fest. The home he hadn't appreciated as a boy. Not the spicy food his mother cooked nor the wonderful toys his father carved for him from scrape. He was always looking at the sky back then, gazing at the countless stars in awe. He had barely known his father, a man hiding his own agenda for which he was killed far away from his family. As a boy he was closer to his mother, a woman who buried her fears and grief deep inside of her, breaking apart after his father's death. She was not able to comfort him or to save herself when the Stormtroopers wrecked their plain but cozy home. He wasn't there when she was killed and didn't go back to find her body burnt up by the fire raging for hours. He just walked away and kept on running until this day. Fest was far away. A distant memory. So bitter he didn't want one thing to take along with him. Jyn was the memory he was holding on to, floating through the darkness, searching for a new home, a place of peace.
12.
Cassian woke up in a place kind of peaceful but also cold and dazzling white. The bleak energy cut him to the quick. He'd wished for a new home but not for a place bleeding flat emptiness. He couldn't see anyone but droids moving around systematically. He couldn't hear any sounds made by humans. He'd hoped to gain peace of mind but how could he, if she was not here with him, trapped alone in this chilling dead world. Dios mio! He opened his mouth to speak. A sound like a dried crack came out. Nothing more.
Yet one of the droids rolled towards him. "Captain Andor. It's good to see you back."
"Jyn," he managed to croak which caused him tremendous pain. Where is she? Where am I? What the hell happened?
The medical droid wasn't responsive. He checked Cassian's vitals instead.
"Stop that. Jyn? Where is she? What is this place?"
"I advise you to take it easy, sir. You-"
"I need to see Jyn. Is she alive? Dios! She isn't dead, is she?" No, no, no. He couldn't believe he was alive and she was not. He pulled at the IV tubes. "I need to get up."
"Sir. Captain. It is not sensible for you to go anywhere. Your injuries-"
"Mierda! I need to find Jyn." Every move Cassian made hurt but he didn't care. His mind was focused on Jyn.
The medical droid stood idly by. He wasn't programmed to fix madness.
Just then Kaytoo staggered into the room. "Cassian. I am stunned by your behavior."
Cassian froze and gaped. "How? What? That can't be. You were lost."
"I was but Jyn Erso and Luke Skywalker were able to fix me."
"She's alive then. Who? What? Where is she?" Cassian was a mess. His insides hurt from just breathing and he blinked constantly because his eyes swam in tears. Yet he needed to talk to Jyn then and there. He was filled with an odd hope but also struggling against an unknown threat he couldn't name just yet.
"Yes, she is. The boy who destroyed the Death Star. They used the backup disc you made. On a mission," Kaytoo replied to the questions in order. "You want to suffer her anger when she gets back and hear you hurt yourself having a fit under medical supervision?"
"No. Nada de eso!" He stopped making a riot and leaned back. Phew! He was sweating like crazy and his insides screamed in agony. "I just want to know what's going on?"
"Well, Captain." Kaytoo bent his bolted knees to be at eye level with him. "I am up to date."
***
In the first month being back from the brink of death Cassian had to get used to being alive and also get familiar with the people of Hoth. Well, all his companions were dead. Draven and Mon Mothma didn't count. They were his superiors. He felt so detached from everyone and everything he almost wished he could go back floating in the balance of the Force. He felt a bit like debris scattered all over the ground after a deadly explosion. Eh! Hadn't he been crushed under the pressure of a gigantic tsunami wave? Wasn't he broken and damaged inside and outside? So the feeling was not that farfetched, was it?
The one good thing that kept him hanging on, no matter how painful his exercises were, was Jyn of course. Jyn who had made new friends while he was gone. He envied her for moving on and at the same time he was pleased she was happy. Bien! She deserved lots of happiness, even if the reason for her smiling was a guy wearing the name Solo.
Cassian huffed. Sí. I can stand back and watch her being happy because of some guy I consider unreliable, even though it was me she once kissed so passionately. Though that didn't matter because we were desperate and alone then, hunted by the shadow of death. What, eh? Is there something else? How many excuses do you need to not make a move, damn it? You haven't even mentioned your sore body yet or your lack of social skills. Maybe none of that is the reason. Maybe you're just a coward, eh? Sí, estúpido. Maybe you're just rusty flirting with a woman in general. Your last relationship, if you can call it that, was ages ago.
Bueno! Vamos! Get a grip. Do something. Right now! He called for the medical droid. He would not waste his time while Jyn was on a mission. He would get back in shape. He would fight for her. He was a rebel, wasn't he? Exactamente! There was always hope.
***
The mission was a success. Glowing with excitement after killing a bunch of Stormtroopers Jyn cuddled up to Cassian waiting in the crowded hangar. He looked healthier and stronger though he was still using props. "Hola, Capitán! You're looking good. Have you done your exercises after all?"
"Si, claro." He shrugged. "I can't let you have all the fun alone out there, right?"
"Sure. We always need more men. Solo is not invincible even if he thinks so."
"How well do you know him anyway?"
"Uh... just a little bit. Saw had business with him for years."
"I see." He fell silent, plucking at the healing scars on his hand. "You two look pretty cozy talking to each other."
"That's just Solo's way. I wasn't even fifteen back then but I can still remember his arrogant attitude, thinking every woman's after him." She noticed the cramp in his jawline. "Why are we talking about Solo anyway? He's just a show-off, a swashbuckler, who talks too much, mostly about himself."
He broke free of her embrace. "I was just surprised you knew him before, that's all."
"I don't know him." She crossed her arms. "He's a stranger to me."
"I am a stranger to you, too."
"What? No. We're not strangers." What the hell? She nibbled at her lip. A minute ago he had been warm and open, and she thought he was with her. Why did he shut her out again? "Are we?"
"I don't know." He cleared his throat. "We've been through a lot, yes, but we... we haven't shared a lot of... uh... time together."
"So? We can start again, right? It's not like we have the choice to go anywhere."
"Just... we had no moment's peace when we were crossing ways at that time, and then I was unconscious for months... and the rebellion... this planet... the cold... Solo..."
"I don't care for the guy!"
"I heard that, Erso," Solo shouted, walking towards them. Many rebels turned their heads to look at what was the tumult going on about.
Ah, shit. Not now. Go away. Jyn moved closer to Cassian taking his hand.
"Hey. It's okay. You're right," Cassian agreed with her. "We can start again. We already did, didn't we?" He propped himself up to be on par with Solo.
Aw. That's cute. Jyn pretended not to notice his posing.
"Trouble in paradise?" Solo said, getting a bit too close to Jyn.
"Not at all. That's our usual way to make conversation," Jyn said, eyes on Cassian. Don't play his games. That's what he likes.
"Is it?"
"We're by far more civilized than some people I barely know," she grumbled, turning her head to the left where the princess was standing nearby talking to a group of pilots.
Solo grinned. "Oh, yeah?"
"How are things with the princess today?" Cassian asked, breathing heavily.
"They are not," Solo shrugged it off, though there was a sardonic line around the edges of his mouth.
"A change in attitude might help," Cassian said, wiping his forehead.
"Look who's talking," Solo shot back at him.
"Qué? What's that supposed-"
"Let it go! Both of you," Jyn intervened, though she pinched only Cassian.
"Ow." Cassian flinched in surprise. "Am I not scarred enough?"
The metallic sound of Kaytoo approaching finished their banter. "Cassian, I think you should go to the medbay. I sense a fever coming."
"I sense a re-programming coming," Cassian barked, rubbing his elbow.
Kaytoo tilted his head. "Do you want to do it right away?"
"Sure. Let's go." Cassian hobbled on. Somehow, though he barely managed to keep on his feet, he was looking kind of dignified.
Solo stayed behind. Maybe he was walking over to the princess trying to make amends.
Jyn couldn't care less. A skip in her walk she matched her steps to Cassian's pace. She was more than glad to have escaped Solo's bickering. With Cassian she could lean back and enjoy the peace seeping into her heart and soul.
Welcome home.
