Drifting - 1/3

Author: Daniela
Fandom: Star Wars - Rogue One
Pairing: Jyn/Cassian
Rating: PG13
Category: Angst, Romance, AU
Series/Sequel: Yes
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: We are dead, aren't we?
Warning: None
Feedback: Welcome home
Email: daniforblue@yahoo.de
Released: June 2018
Beta: darkswanjones
Word Count: 5661

Jyn. A word without meaning. Jyn. She didn't know where it was coming from. Jyn. She was floating, floating in foggy - white space. Jyn. No reason to listen to a voice calling a name. No reason to disturb her peace of mind. She had waited long enough to find that place where she was feeling like home. Safe forevermore.

***

Since she had been eight years old Jyn was forced to move from planet to planet. Vallt. Coruscant. Lah'mu. After those chunks in the galaxy she had lost count of the places Saw was dragging her to. They didn't stay long enough to grow any roots anywhere. In the end she had lost everything and everyone she had ever cared about. They had all abandoned her and she was alone. She had given up hope to ever be not alone. There was no place for her in the universe she could call home. No place to feel at peace. She didn't give a shit about the Empire or the Rebellion. What had happened to her family happened a long time ago. She didn't care anymore. There was a hidden wound inside of her that nobody were ever able to heal.

***

Cassian couldn't sleep which wasn't surprising. He had just killed a man to save himself. He had murdered a random guy to get away with a message; he wasn't even sure if it was worth it. All that for the Rebellion. All that on his soul. He didn't remember a time when his consciousness had been free of guilt. He didn't know who he was anymore. Just one thing was clear. He was alone. Kaytoo didn't count. No. You can't count a droid as a friend, can you? That would be pathetic. And he wasn't the sentimental type, was he? The mission was always everything he cared about. Nobody could change that. He had given his heart to the cause, and there was no space left for more in his life.

Jyn. That voice again. Pleading. Whispering. Jyn. For god's sake. Leave me alone. I suffered enough. Just go away. Jyn! No. Go away. I don't want to go back. I don't want to feel any more pain or suffering through more loss. I want to keep drifting through space and time. I want to let go. I don't want to exist anymore.

***

One day her routine of attack and flight changed. A Rebel unit rescued her from an Imperial prison and brought her to the Yavin 4 moon station. The Rebel Alliance forced her to help them in finding her father. Galen Erso. The traitor. The Imperial scientist. Hated by many. The father who had abandoned her. That day she met him. Cassian Andor. An assassin, a killer for the cause. He was the guard dog she needed to trick to get away. The Rebellion didn't matter to her. She didn't want to be a part of any mission. She didn't want to search for her father. In her heart he had died a long time ago.

***

Cassian hadn't expected her to be that fierce. A bundle of anger and hate. She was much shorter than him and barely muscled but her eyes told how dangerous she was should he dare to start a fight. That didn't matter, though. All that mattered was to find Galen Erso. The mission, sí? His unexplainable attraction to a woman he didn't know and wouldn't learn to know better was insignificant. His chance of having a life of his own was long gone. A wife. A child. A home. Impossible. So why couldn't he stop thinking about those hopeless eyes?

Jyn. Get up. No. Let me be. Come on. Get up now! The voice, now sounding somehow familiar, kept bugging her like an itch she couldn't scratch. Okay. Okay. If I blink will you leave me alone? Vanish to the dark place you did come from? What you say? Let's make a deal. I blink and you crawl back into the dark cave you came from. Okay? Good. She opened her eyes. No, rather she tried but failed miserably. Her eyes were glued shut.

***

"Something wrong?"

She didn't jump, but almost hit him. That sneaky spy. She glared. "What do you want?"

"Don't shoot me." He pointed at a hatch. "I thought you would like to rest for a bit."

His bunk? Was he serious? What did he think might happen? "No, thanks." She had met many guys who tried to get into her pants, many guys much more handsome than him. Handsome! What are you thinking? Have you gone mad? The Captain was too rough around the edges, too blowzy and washed-out by the Rebellion to be handsome. Yeah? Why are you trembling then? What is it about him that gets to you?

"Why not? I wasn't talking about sharing." His dark eyes lacked any emotion.

"Fine," she grumbled, and turned away from him. Hastily she climbed through the hatch. If she heard a chuckle she blamed that on the fact that she hadn't slept in days. He wasn't the type to laugh easily, or at all. Just like her.

***

In spite of his contempt Cassian couldn't help but chuckle, watching her climb into his bunk. Who did she think he was? Some guy in need for a quick hour in the middle of disaster? Some fool who would endanger the mission? A rookie falling for her pretty face? Sí, she was pretty, that he couldn't deny. Spunky, too.

"Cassian? Are you finished with Jyn Erso?" Kaytoo's nagging snarl echoed through the ship. "Are you coming back to fly this thing?"

Cassian whirled around and stomped to the cockpit. That damn droid. Why did I reprogram him anyway? "What's the problem? Can't you fly this piece of shit for one second by yourself?"

"Of course I can," Kaytoo replied dispassionately. "Can you stop bothering about Jyn Erso?"

"Can you shut up?" Cassian murmured, thinking about the open hatch.

"You should have reprogrammed me that way," Kaytoo countered, artificial eyes bright and unblinking.

"There's still time," he replied, moodily. He couldn't allow himself to get attached to her. Jyn Erso could never know what his order was. The mission was too important to get sidetracked by foolish feelings.

Come on, Jyn. Are you with me? Are you listening? Those words. That voice. She knew the man who was talking. What was his name? She didn't remember. Open your eyes. Okay. Fine. I can. I will. There. She managed to crack an eye open. A blinding white hit her. Shit! That's reality. Coldness in a cave with artificial design. Clinical stuff. A Medbay. She was lying in a bed, covered in clean linen, shaking. She was the only one in the room. Nobody was here waiting for her to wake up. Nobody was calling her name. Jyn. Right. That was her name. The name of a person who should be dead. The name of a lost cause. The traitor's daughter.

***

A soft humming woke her up too early. Still a few hours until Jedha. Shit! The bunk's scent was bothering her. The whole damn place smelled too much like him. A tangy fragrance of leaves and leather that reminded her of the home she had lost many years ago. She didn't like it. She couldn't go back to sleep having his scent troubling her. She got up and walked to the hatch. She had left it open so she didn't feel like a prisoner. She had been imprisoned too often in her life to learn to hate the feeling of being trapped but not often enough to get used to it.

"What is the reason for letting her take control?" The droid. Kaytoo. Complaining. That was his thing apparently. She had fallen asleep listening to his nagging and now he was still not done.

"Leave it, Kay."

"Captain-"

"Kay!" Andor sounded on edge.

"Fine. But let me tell you this will not end well."

"I don't need your opinion."

"I think you do. I think the probability that you and her--" clunk Kaytoo silenced.

Jyn didn't know if Andor had hit the annoying piece of Imperial metal or if Kaytoo was clever enough to know when it was time to shut up. She didn't dare to stick her head down the hatch. They didn't need to know she was listening. They needed to think she was easy to contain. That made it simpler to find a way out of this mess. A chance to get away.

"I'm getting some rest."

Ho! Quickly she slipped backwards to the bunk, and pressed herself to the rough blanket, inhaling his scent once more. Damn. Andor was friends with a former Imperial droid. How could she ever trust him? Why should she follow his lead? How could she be so stupid as to accept the invitation to rest in his bunk?

***

Where do you think you go, estúpido? Cassian rubbed the back of his neck. She'd taken your bunk. There is no room for you. Yet he couldn't resist climbing up there, spying on her occupying the space he had spent hours in on his longsome travels through the galaxy. In years he hadn't felt as alive as right now and that was her doing. Jyn Erso burnt awfully bright and he had taken fire. Not that he liked the feeling. No. He was scared to the core. He didn't need such fire in his life. He needed to be calm and cold to focus on the mission. He didn't need any distraction. He didn't need to stand here like un estúpido watching her. He didn't need someone like her. A rebel without a cause. She was sleeping, with her face turned to the wall, her hands clutching the rough, unclean blanket. He gulped. Jyn Erso. Daughter of Galen Erso. The man he was ordered to kill. The daughter of a traitor. What was it about her? Why did she get under his skin? Was he finally going mad?

She wasn't dead then, right? She was still breathing in raw, blubbering gasps. If am here where is he? Where is the man who died with me on that beach? What's his name? Why can't I remember him? She coughed. Come on. What's the first letter? T? No. C. Right. So? Calvino? Casey? Caleb? She blinked rapidly. Come on. Come on. Think! Rebellions are built on hope. Welcome home. Your father would be proud of you. Who said those things? Who led you here? Cassian! In a flash the name ripped through her like a blaster tearing a hole into her body. Cassian! Yes. Yes. Where was he? Why was he not here? What did happen to him? Why was she alone? How was she alive and he was not. Why couldn't she slip back into oblivion, floating back to the place where loss didn't exist; where pain was just a memory.

***

How long will he keep that up? Jyn thought, holding her breath. How long can I can keep still with him lurking? What does he want anyway? Obviously not that what many men want. So? Go away. Leave me alone. Leave like everyone else.

"Roll over, Erso."

Her eyes snapped open. "What!"

"Move. I need a few hours of shut-eye."

The nerve of the guy. She should give him a good kicking. A lecture he would never forget. Instead she moved back to the wall to give him the space he wanted. She didn't know why she didn't choose to leave, though. What was she thinking? What was it about him that make her behave differently? How was he able to make her give in?

He settled right next to her, with his legs twitching.

"You're welcome," she grumbled. This was worse than the lurking, having him breathing down her neck.

"It's my bunk."

"Sure, but do me a favor. Turn around. You stink."

"You're no rose either," he huffed, but obeyed to her wishes. "Better?"

"Not much, but manageable." The warmth he was radiating was beyond annoying. She knew she wouldn't find any sleep now. She knew he was trouble. She knew she should keep her distance. She didn't know, though why he was not like any men.

***

Trouble, sí. That was all she would bring into his life. A trouble that could only end in disaster. He couldn't figure out why he sought her company knowing of her disloyal nature. He didn't understand why he was making an effort to get close to her. Why was he trying to earn her trust? What else but pain should it cost him and her, considering he had been ordered to kill her father? Why did he share her company? She didn't give a fuck about the Rebellion or anyone but herself. She wasn't the type he should get close to. She wasn't a woman he should want. Every move towards her endangered the mission and he would never do that. Sí, he had stepped on a tricky path and yet he couldn't regret lying here next to her, inhaling her unique scent, feeling the curve of her slender body. He clenched his teeth. Mierda!

Jyn was on the brink of losing it. No Cassian. No nobody was around. Just machines rattling and peeping in a room made of ice. She tried to call out for help but only a croak slipped over her dry lips. Okay. She couldn't just wait around for someone to come along. She had wasted enough time sleeping. She didn't even know how long she had been gone. Maybe this was a place controlled by the Empire. Maybe she had been taken prisoner. Maybe they had tortured her to make her forget. She threw the covers off and swung her legs out of bed. Ow! That hurt like hell. At that, she realized her left hand was bandaged, the fingers throbbing. So what? I need to find him. So let's go. Now. Come on. Her feet touched the ground. She winced. Exactly as cold as the ice around had implied. She had come back to a world not worth living in. She had come back to nothing. At that alone. All her friends were dead. Cassian was dead. No. Not him. Not Cassian. I just need to find him.

***

Cassian Andor. The Rebel who treated an Imperial droid like an equal. The man who prevented her from getting into a stupid fight. The guy who leaned in like a friend, whispering, "Rebellions are built on hope." The stranger who fought by her side and killed one of Saw's men only to save her. Fighter. Protector. Survivor. He ran along as an explosion went off. She smashed him to the ground, covering him, feeling the blast hitting her back. No, that man was nothing like she thought he would be.

***

Jyn Erso. The outsider who mocked his likings and sayings. The woman who doubted hope but saved a little girl for no reason at all. The gal who threw herself over him to cover his body from an explosion. The stranger who did a glorious job crushing a squad of soldiers by herself. Fighter. Protector. Survivor. She didn't back down and didn't show fear as they were caught by Gerrera's men. No, that woman was nothing like he thought she would be.

"Hello?" She dragged her feet over the ground. What was the day? Was the Death Star still a threat? How long had she been sleeping? Perhaps she wasn't alive but dead? Had joined with the Force? You think? After all you have done? No, rather this is hell, a different kind of hell, a cold and endless winter freezing a hole into your heart. She aimed at the automatic door. Only a few more steps to get out of here. Oh, Cassian. I want you to be here, wherever I am. I want you to hold me like you held me in those last moments on the beach. I want you to be with me. I need your spirit to make me believe again.

***

Jyn couldn't wait to see Saw and spit into his face. The once beloved mentor who had abandoned her. The betrayer who had broken her trust. On their walk through the desert she was burning with fury. She had trusted him and he had left her behind like a bundle of rags. She had never understood his cruel action. What had she done wrong? Why had she lost his affection? When was the moment he decided to get rid of her? She swallowed the tears choking her.

***

Cassian counted their options. Saw's men were too many to get away. Despite his lack of sleep last night he felt sparked with energy, as if he could take out anyone. That was dangerous and suicidal. He couldn't let such a sensation rule him. He needed to calculate with a cold heart. Sí. Stay calm. Think about the mission. The mission is everything. Jyn's safety is nothing. So, don't bother worrying what will happen to her. Think about yourself - and the mission.

The icy-cold hallway. The locked doors. The creepy sounds. Where was she? Where was everyone? When was she? She passed a window and looked. In the room was a bacta tank, and within Cassian, floating in the fluid like a glassy ghost, body bruised and limp. She gasped and stumbled against the door, frantically hitting the button. Nothing happened. The door stayed closed. "Cassian." She slumped to the ground, weeping. She had found him but couldn't get to him. He was as far away as he would be on a different planet.

***

Jyn's thoughts were in a turmoil. Saw was dead. Her father alive. Jedha destroyed. She had trouble breathing. Why now? Why this? Why everything? Not getting a grip she did the most stupid thing. She sought out Cassian, crashing on his bunk, and touched his shoulder.

He jerked around, his eyes a mirror of her pain and despair. "What is it?"

"I... thank you for doing this, for getting me to my father."

He gulped. "It's not me. Draven ordered me to."

She shrugged. "Thanks anyway."

He moved to the wall. "Come on. Here is room for two."

"Better not."

Cassian's lips twitched, it wasn't that he was smirking, but the expression was similar. "Why not? We already did that, didn't we? Nothing to it, except you worry about the gossip."

Ah! Just the second she thought he was a nice enough guy, he turned infuriating. "I couldn't care less." She almost throw herself into the bunk, squishing him a good deal, though he didn't make a sound. Good. At least he knew when to shut up.

***

Ow! Despite the hell of day and the pain in his shoulder Cassian was smiling. That girl was brutal, and yet she was lying here, snuggling up to him. Dios, never tell her you think in those terms. She'd rip you to pieces. He didn't know what it was about her. He shifted and looked at the ceiling. He didn't want to sleep now. He wanted to hear her breathing as soft as the warm breeze at a home that was long lost. He wanted to bathe in her warmth until he was drowning. Sí, he wanted her despite the fact he was ordered to kill her father. He'd never wanted anyone that much as he wanted her. He took a trembling breath.

"Cassian!" The metallic voice echoed off the walls.

He jerked awake. Did he fall asleep after all? Had he been so stupid and oblivious to the war going on?

"Arrival at Eadu shortly. Your presence is needed."

"Coming." He tried to slip past her, but she was faster and already on her way. Sure. A soldier without an army never sleeps.

"What are you doing out here?" A metallic rattle approached. "Jyn Erso. You should be in bed resting." The indifferent politeness of the medical droid drove her over the edge. She hit the damn thing, hurting herself. "Open the door! Let me see him." She wished Kaytoo would be here. She missed him. She missed every one of her friends. She missed Cassian's arms around her. She missed being dead.

***

The rain hit her face and she shivered to the bone but Jyn didn't care. She could only think about her father; until now she hadn't realized how much she had longed to see him again. How much she needed to talk to him. The man who had left her alone. There he was. On his back, severely wounded, yet he looked barely older as she remembered him, a vision of strength and sacrifice. Jyn swallowed the tears choking her. She hadn't time for a soppy reunion. The platform was on fire, and Stormtroopers approached to shoot her down. She hunched over him. "Papa. Papa. It's me. It's Jyn."

He opened his eyes, and smiled. "Jyn. Stardust."

"Papa. I've seen your message. The hologram. I've seen it."

"It must be destroyed."

"I know. I know. We will."

He touched her face. "Jyn, look at you. I have so much to tell you." He closed his eyes and died.

"Papa. Papa. No. No. Papa, come on." She wouldn't have left him but Cassian came and didn't let go off her until she went with him. Cassian, the man who betrayed her and Galen, who was sent here to kill her father. She knew that now. She knew she shouldn't feel affected but Cassian's betrayal made the loss of her father so much worse. Why had she even taken a liking to him?

***

Cassian groaned and lowered the gun. He couldn't do it. He couldn't kill Jyn's father. A man who stood up for his comrades facing to be executed. Soaking wet, Cassian realized how much he cared for Jyn and those close to her. He didn't want her to hate him. He didn't want to hurt her. Against better judgement he wanted to save Galen Erso and bring him back to Yavin 4. Sí, he was a fool. Struggling he kept staring at the platform, awaiting the attack of the Rebel fighters. That's when he saw her climbing up to the platform. Jyn! Damn it. What are you doing? What are you up to? I told you to stay in the ship. Why didn't you listen? What now? He didn't have time left to make a plan, the fighters were coming and started shooting at the platform. The world turned a fierce red and orange. "Jyn. No." He jumped to his feet and ran into the war zone. Jyn. Don't do this. Don't die. He disobeyed orders and put himself and the mission at risk. He got too attached to her and now he paid the price.

10.

Jyn couldn't ignore the careless whispers going around behind her back. A damn miracle. Clinging to each other. The whole area was destroyed in the blast.

The same people were chatting away about the destruction of the Death Star by some kid called Skywalker, the hero who got all the praise, and the hasty flight of the Rebellion Alliance to this spit of ice in the universe. Hoth.

A planet she had never heard of for obvious reasons. Nobody with some sense would want to create a home on this forsaken orb. But the Rebels had not much choice; they were forced into hiding, even though the plans they had stolen had achieved the miracle they'd hoped for. The Death Star had stopped existing but the Empire was still ruling over the universe. So? Why had her friends to die? Why was she amongst strangers that did not know what she and Cassian had been through? Why were she and Cassian even alive? Why was she feeling so alone?

***

Cassian, the man who was ordered to kill her father, hadn't pulled the trigger. He had disobeyed the order. Jyn didn't allow herself to pursue the question why. She was Jyn Erso. Strong. Independent. Abandoned at eight and once again at sixteen. She didn't need anyone. She did not want anyone or rely on anyone, particularly not on a man who had betrayed her. She struggled though as Kaytoo told her that Cassian had tried to call the Rebel attack off. Cassian had tried everything to prevent the fate of her father. No. She couldn't believe that droid. He was unreliable. He was Cassian's property. Shuddering she leaned against the wall. Yet she couldn't hate Cassian for what he was or what he'd wanted to do. They were too much alike. They were drifters in the dark seeking for a spark of light. They were two of a kind. That was the truth but the truth hurt like nothing else. That maybe she did want someone like him to share her life with, that she wanted someone at all.

***

Cassian paced through the small aisle he had fled to, burning with rage and something else he didn't dare to analyze. You might as well being a Stormtrooper. He smashed his fist into the metal. Fuck! She was wrong, right? He couldn't be that guy. He was better. He was fighting for a good cause. Whatever he had done was worth it, right? Yeah? Are you sure? Think about the people who cared for the man you shot in the back on Kafrene? They wouldn't agree, would they? Mierda! He stopped pacing, and slumped against the wall, shaking. You are what you are, Cassian Andor, and you know it. Sí. He just wished Jyn wasn't the one who said those words, and he wouldn't want her anymore, wouldn't want anyone at all.

11.

"How? When? What?" Jyn plagued Mon Mothma on the third day after her rebirth.

"Our men searched the grounds after the Imperial troops had left to hunt after the stolen plans. They found you two in a glowing forcefield, unconscious, severely injured, but alive. Both of you were rushed to the medical facility on Yavin 4 and treated immediately. Captain Andor was put in bacta but we hadn't much hope he'd survive." The senator sounded as calm as ever, a cool-headed leader the Rebels needed now more than ever.

Jyn shivered. "He still looks more dead than alive."

"He was on the brink of dying until the Death Star was destroyed. While everyone was celebrating he decided to keep on breathing like a shadow had been lifted from his soul." Mon Mothma smiled. "He has a strong heart."

"How bad is he really?"

"Pretty bad. Gunshot wound. Broken ribs. Fractured knee. Broken elbow. Punctured lung. Internal bleeding. Severe head trauma."

Injured like that he'd climbed up to the tower to come after me. He'd come to my rescue and given me comfort eye in eye with death approaching. The man I denied my trust, the one I called as bad as a Stormtrooper.

"Yet he is alive," Mon Mothma said, "so have faith."

Faith. Jyn clutched the necklace around her neck, and once again she grabbed for nothing. The necklace her mother had given her, the kyber crystal was gone.

***

In the midst of suffering she came to an embarrassing conclusion. She needed to reconcile with Cassian to be able to go on with this fight. Better now than on Yavin 4. She had regretted her harsh words already and didn't know why she had put her grief on him. He was a soldier and had done what every soldier what have done. She observed her companions. The droid was busy controlling the ship, and the three guys were resting in silence. Nobody had said a word about Cassian's and her clash. Good. She stole away and found him slumped against a wall, nibbling on his bleeding knuckles. "What have you done?"

He startled. "What do you want now? A fresh round of putting me down?"

"No." Hastily she unwrapped a bandage from her medical supply. "Let me see."

"I'm fine. Go back to the others."

"Do as I say, or I call for them to watch."

He grimaced. "You would, would you?" He stuck his arm out. "Okay. Do whatever you want."

Competent she wrapped the bandage around his hand. "That was stupid."

"I know that." He winced. "I didn't pull the trigger."

"I know."

"I could have, though."

"I know."

"I didn't want to." He let out a watery sigh. "You can tell Draven. He'll sentence me to death for treason."

"I won't."

"Why not?"

She shrugged. "I believe you. That simple." She was finished fixing him up.

He leaned back against the wall. "You should dry your clothes."

"You, too."

"Wouldn't help to feel warmer."

"Sorry." The word just slipped past her lips.

"For me not getting warm?"

"For saying you're just as bad as a Stormtrooper."

"I've heard worse."

"Did you?" The warmth radiating off his body was overwhelming. How could he say he was feeling cold? How could he smell that good, even soaking wet? How could she bother having those thoughts after what he'd pulled?

"Sometimes, sí." He leaned closer. "But it never hurt as much."

His magical warmth vaporized the dampness off her clothes, a soothing, prickling sensation stolen from a home that didn't exist anymore, a warmth that softened the hard noises of the ship and put anything else bothering her far away. She wanted to drown in that warmth now and forever. Oh, come on. No way. Don't give in. He didn't deserve such a surrender. Hastily she stepped back.

"Jyn..."

***

"Cassian!"

"What?" he barked, finding his lips dry and rusty.

As always Kaytoo came right to the point. "Arrival in twenty minutes at Yavin 4."

That droid. Someday I'll kill him. "We're landing." Oh, Captain. Stating the obvious.

"Good. We have not much time. We have to attack the Empire now."

Ah. Sí. Good luck with that. They won't believe you. Mothma maybe, but not Draven and all the others.

Bodhi, Chirrut and Baze assembled in the compartment behind the cockpit, squashed in. Baze brushed the shaft of his rifle, Chirrut smirked like a know-it-all, and Bodhi just gaped at them.

Had they been talking about them? Cassian wondered and rushed by them to the cockpit. So what? Do you care?

Though there was Kay staring as well.

"What?" Cassian snapped, feeling Jyn's presence nearby.

"Where have you and Jyn Erso been?" Kaytoo bitched, cutting to the chase.

"Just prepare the ship for landing, Kay." He jumped into his seat.

"What happened to your hand?" Kaytoo kept inquiring.

"Kay. Focus!" He was glad to have his back to the cobbled group behind him, though he could feel their curious looks burning holes into him, particularly Jyn's. Dios, he was the most curious of them all. What will I do if the council decided against her? Will I join her side or abandon her as well? What fate will I choose? What path will I go down in this mission I've never wanted? Dios! He exhaled and concentrated on a save landing.

12.

For days Jyn didn't leave his side, but kept staring at him floating in bacta. Sometimes she drifted off, not sleeping but dreaming of her home, a green, peaceful place, an oasis she shared with Cassian and a few more people she couldn't identify. Every time she woke up she realized she was still alone, Cassian was still not healed and the world was white not green. She whimpered then, sounding like the little girl in that cave waiting for Saw to come and get her after her parents were gone.

***

The return to Yavin 4 was no comfort. They had to act. She tried to tell the Rebel counsel, talking herself raw, and failed. They didn't believe her. They thought she would lead them into a trap and cause the elimination of the Rebellion. Chirrut and Baze agreed with her, but what could they do? They needed more men. They needed so much more firepower. Oh, Papa. What can I do? What about my promise to you? What about your sacrifice? Spinning, she noticed a group of men approaching, a group of Rebel soldiers.

"I believe you," Cassian said, standing in the midst of those men, eyes clear and burning with hope.

He is the most handsome man I've ever met, Jyn realized, and her heartbeat sped up. She walked over meeting him halfway. There it was again. His lingering warmth, though it didn't make her angry anymore but calm and confident. He was with her he said. All the way. She believed him. Have faith. The Force will be with you. Always.

***

"I'm not used to people sticking around if things go bad," she said, beaming at him.

Cassian moved towards her, circling slowly around her, leaning closer than ever before. "Welcome home," he whispered, feeling his heart going out to her, no matter their situation was beyond miserable. He meant it. He was here for her. He was ready to fight at her side. All the way and back again. Forgotten were insults and differences. She gave him back the fierce to fight, and the decency to disobey an order he couldn't accept. She had sparked him back to life. She was a fighter and a companion. What is this, she had asked the first day they had met. Now he was asking himself the same thing. What is this? What will this do to me? What fate waited ahead? What is it about this woman which makes me feel the most dangerous sensation of them all, a sensation I don't dare to say out loud? Not yet.

She rewarded his intimacy with eyes shining as bright as a million stars.

In the midst of war, Cassian counted himself lucky.