Convenient? Yes, Indeed! - 5/6
Author: Daniela
Fandom: Star Trek
Pairing: Amanda/Sarek
Rating: PG13
Category: Angst, Romance
Series/Sequel: My heart is my song, my mind is my melody.
Summary: Amanda changes her mind.
Warning: Adult Fanfiction
Disclaimer: This is a piece of amateur fan fiction. I make no money of it.
Feedback: Yes, please. Every tiny little bit makes me happy.
Email: daniforblue@yahoo.de
Released: December 2016
Beta: Selek
Word Count: 3690
My dear Vulcan lover. Are you for real? What happened to the civilized male? What are you doing to me?
A few nights of intimacy and passion beyond imagination cherished the illusion in Amanda that Sarek might be in love with her. His touch made her bloom like a desert flower after the rain, and Sarek gave the impression that he rather liked her emotionality. He never used the word love, though, or talked about feelings of any kind.
Then one morning Amanda came back down to earth. Yes, Sarek had kissed her more tenderly when he left for work, but didn't come back that night. Amanda couldn't get to sleep until the first rays of sunlight were touching the horizon. She didn't dare to go to him and ask if she'd done something wrong.
In the afternoon Sarek approached her in the garden. "Will you walk with me?"
"Of course, Amb... er Sarek," she said, feeling her face burn.
"Thank you," he replied, and started walking, talking about this and that. He was friendly but not chummy. He had retransformed into the well-mannered diplomat.
Oddly enough Amanda enjoyed walking with him as much as making love to him. Having him around sated the thirst she had and made living on this world easier. The heat. The lack of green. The tranquility. Sarek grounded her and chased away concerns and doubts. The strength of his influence was a bit disturbing, though.
He didn't come back the next night and the next and she realized his pon farr must be over. She wasn't his wife, so she had no right to complain about his absence. Sarek must have come to his senses and consider their nightly meetings too unethical to continue.
She missed the intimacy more than the sex, but had no choice but to accept his decision and the daily walks in the garden. At least she wasn't ignored anymore. Sarek treated her like an equal and she felt more at ease in his company. Sarek and she might even have bonded in some way because the strange sensation of a sizzling connection didn't fade away. Also, Sarek behaved less distant even though he was far from the passionate lover she had learned to appreciate.
Oh, well. That ship had sailed. Amanda adapted to the new situation and rejoiced in talking to Sarek about the differences between Vulcan and Earth. His English improved constantly and she was able to learn the basics of Vulcan. That achievement earned her Sarek's respect and made her very proud. They never touched on intimate subjects. They never talked about those nights nor his proposal. They only discussed trivial personal preferences like favorite books or food. She was fine with that, but one thing bothered her. The kissing lessons didn't continue either. No endearments were exchanged at all and she wondered if their lovemaking had actually taken place, or if it had been just a dream, a glorious, mind-melting dream inspired by too much heat and longing.
Whatever she and Sarek had done or not done, the months on Vulcan spun away as well as homesickness and loneliness. Eventually she even managed to socialize with Sarek's people.
The miracle had happened on the day a sandstorm was keeping her in the house. She had cursed at her hermit life and the choices she had made. The female housekeeper, Tu'Pari, whose name meant, the way around the unusual, took pity on her and confessed why the Vulcan females kept their distance from her. They had very sensitive noses and Amanda smelled bad to them. Oh dear! Amanda was rather amused than shocked, and apologized for the inconvenience she had caused. Tu'Pari was pleased and started teaching her about Vulcan society. The knowledge helped Amanda make a few loose but effective contacts.
A close encounter with a bear-like beast with six-inch fangs almost dampened her enthusiasm.
"You do not need to be afraid," Sarek explained in his calm manner. "That is I-Chaya, a sehlat. I've owned him since my childhood and he is domesticated. Sehlats are popular pets to Vulcan children and only turn aggressive when they are protecting their families or when they are not being fed properly."
"Uh-huh," Amanda said, gripping Sarek's arm. She didn't take her eyes off the monster teddy bear.
"A sehlat can be dangerous though if you make a wrong move."
"What do you mean?"
"If you make a sudden movement or charge at him, he could rip your arm off, but Vulcans never make wrong moves. That would be illogical."
"Right," Amanda whispered, and watched I-Chaya until she and Sarek were back safe and sound in the house. The sehlat wasn't invited in and cried, wretched.
Once a week she talked to Peggy via subspace but never dared to tell her about what had happened between Sarek and her. She downright lied to her best friend because of the sensitive nature of the subject. Those intimate nights belonged to Sarek and her; she wouldn't betray his trust. She knew her best friend would ask many questions, questions she wasn't prepared to answer.
"Hey, there, silly," Peggy said. "Tomorrow you're heading home. Are you excited?"
"Sure," Amanda said, putting on a brave face. Yes, she had missed Peggy and her home but she didn't feel any excitement about returning there. She wanted to stay and learn more about this strange but unique planet. She wanted to solve the mystery of Vulcans and Sarek in particular.
Peggy didn't catch her subterfuge and kept babbling on about her wedding -- the flowers, the music, the food, Ben this, Ben that. She couldn't talk about anything else.
Amanda just smiled, nodded, and said yes and no from time to time. You could have had all that and more. It's your own fault. So stop sulking.
"See you soon," Peggy said at the end of the call.
"Sure." Frustrated, she strolled into the garden. The impressive sun of Vulcan had just disappeared beyond the horizon. The blossoms of a few cacti were still open, a thorny but mesmerizing view she had learned to love. Tomorrow I'll be flying home. I can't even begin to explain how torn I feel. I can't even imagine leaving this place. I'm crazy, right?
"Your last sunset on Vulcan."
She turned around. Sarek. He was always close by whenever she yearned for him. "Yes."
"Will you miss it?"
The question surprised her because it was emotional to miss something. "Very."
He looked unusually tense. Is he going through his own struggle? Could it be? "I will accompany you on your journey back to Earth. I have business there and will stay for a few days."
A few days and then you're gone from my life. "I'm looking forward to our journey then." She forced a smile.
"Are you glad you are going home?"
"Of course. I abused your hospitality long enough."
"You never abused it, Amanda." His ears greened. "It is I who kept you away from your home too long."
My home is with you. "I enjoyed our time together in every way."
"Indeed?" His lips quivered.
Oh God, stop that. Stop being so handsome and mysterious. "Vulcan is a place full of wonder." How is it possible to have such a civil conversation with a man who made me scream with pleasure? How is he able to stay so calm and reasonable? "I didn't expect to find so many things I consider pleasurable."
"Anything in particular?" Sarek challenged her.
"The rock formations and its various cacti." What do you think? Are you that ignorant or just goddam polite? "The mysterious sounds of the desert." Shut up! Stop making this worse. "The magical flavors of the night."
"I see." His voice was silky smooth. "Do you desire one last walk to say good bye?"
I want that, yes. "Sorry, no, I'm too tired." I can't, though. Not now. Not with you. "If you will excuse me, please?" Otherwise I break apart.
"Pardon me for not noticing." He bowed. "I wish you a good night's sleep to be well rested for our journey tomorrow."
"T-Thank you." She almost choked on the simple words and fled as if I-Chaya had jumped out of the shadows to chase her down. Holy God, what will happen if we won't see each other again? Will this feeling of being one go away? Will our bond break apart and leave me in peace? What if it doesn't? What then? How can I survive these sensations not seeing him anymore? She pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. She had learned how sensitive his hearing was. She didn't want him to know how desperate and unhappy she was. What if he could sense her utter despair through that miraculous bond anyway? What if he knew everything she was going through? Would he surrender to those hidden emotions underneath his armor and come over to soothe her pains? Would he reprise their nights of pon farr? For hours she stayed awake hoping he would do just that. But he did not.
The departure and the journey back were torture. She hid in her quarters and met Sarek only at official times like dinner or announcements. He didn't bother her with questions and accepted her retreat with the familiar politeness.
Damn that Vulcan. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shake him until he broke. She wanted him to take her to his quarters and have his way with her. Oh God. She was illogical. Yes. No doubt about that. If Sarek had any idea what she was thinking, he didn't act on it. Neither did she.
On Earth she didn't see him for two days, yet she couldn't stop thinking about him. She feared the day he'd leave and started counting the minutes. She couldn't focus on anything else. She was barely able to fulfill her duties as a bridesmaid. Why was she forced to talk about flower or music arrangements when she only wanted to talk about Sarek? Why should she bother with a stuttering man-child if she could have someone like Sarek? Damn. Why had she rejected his proposal? Why hadn't she been more diplomatic and put him off for a while? Not a chance in the galaxy he would ever ask her again. He had his pride. He was the ambassador of Vulcan for god's sake. She was just an English teacher.
The day the wondrous connection to him started to fade, she was crushed. No. Please. No. She had learned to like floating in his warmth and wasn't ready to lose that sensation even if she could neither identify nor explain it. Sure, living on Vulcan would be hard, but living without him was empty.
Peggy's wedding was a blast. The church was crowded with people and everybody was having a great time at the party afterwards, dancing and chatting. Only Amanda was suffering through the vows and the cheering and wished she could leave. Hiding in a corner she was thinking about her options. She snorted. As if she had any.
Timmons scared her up anyway. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You were the last person I expected to cry."
"I'm just happy for her." I'm the worst. The worst. "Besides I'm not crying."
"Right." He patted her shoulder and sat down next to her. "Are you envious?"
"No," she barked, shaking. "Not at all. Why should I be?"
"No plans of marrying yourself?"
"What? Who told you that? What have you heard?"
"Nothing." Her mentor leaned back in his chair and whistled.
Oh no. I walked right into his trap. That wicked, wicked man. He had always been too clever for his own good.
"There you are, Amanda! Have you heard? The ambassador is leaving tomorrow." Peggy approached her, arm in arm with her husband Ben. "How do you feel to part from the impressive Vulcan?"
That did it. "I--" Tears were spilling from her eyes. Shit! "Sorry, I have to..." She leapt out of the chair and fled into the garden.
She didn't get far, though. Despite the fact she was dressed up like a queen, Peggy caught up with her. "Oh my god. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"I can't..." Oh god. I love him. I love him more than I can put in words.
"Come here." Peggy hugged her, not minding her fancy outfit.
"I'm never gonna see him again," Amanda sobbed into her shoulder. "It's my own fault."
"There, there." Peggy sat her on a bench under a leafy tree. "It can't be that hopeless."
"You have no idea," Amanda sniffed, and confessed everything. Yes, the love making, too, though no details. Those precious memories were hers alone. Hers and Sarek's.
Peggy was stunned speechless. Quickly she regained her senses. "You have to tell him."
"What? No. I can't."
"Amanda, don't be silly. If you love him that much he has to know."
"I think he already does."
"Are you sure?"
No. She wasn't sure. There was not much she could be sure about regarding Sarek. She was sure he cared about her. She was sure he respected her. She wasn't sure if he could ever love her as much as she loved him, and what love even meant to him. No. She wasn't sure he wanted her the way she wanted him. So what? You want him, right? So make a move, damn it. "You're right. I don't know."
"Exactly." Peggy crossed her arms. "So? What's your plan then?"
"Tell him."
"Good. Since we have that settled tell me something. Is his penis truly different from those of human males?"
"You can't be serious?" Amanda deadpanned, but then she burst out laughing. Oh, Peggy. Don't you ever change.
"Worth a try," Peggy said, after their hysterics had eased off a bit. "Okay. Stay here and let me find my husband before he leaves on our honeymoon without me. I'll be back shortly." She got up and smoothed her crumpled wedding dress. Satisfied with the outcome she walked back into the house, her heels clicking on the stone floor.
Amanda let out a watery sigh, relieved to be alone for a while. She needed time to think. She needed a plan. Should she call Sarek first or go to his living quarters straight away? Should she dare to embarrass him with her feelings? Should she take that risk? Here is my heart, Sarek. Take it or break it. Why not? He would leave Earth anyway and she would never ever see him again. Oh, god. Stop crying. This is ridiculous.
A figure floated out of the darkness.
"Sarek!"
"My apologies. I startled you."
Damn. So much for her plan. "What are you doing here?"
"Your friend Peggy invited me. Did she not tell you?" He sat down next to her.
"No." She stashed her wet and crumpled tissue away. Peggy, you minx. What did you do?
"I came to say good-bye. I fly home tomorrow."
"I know," she choked out, and then a fresh hysterical fit washed over her. For heaven's sake. Pull yourself together or you lose him.
"Am I making you nervous?" The lines on his forehead crinkled. "I thought we were past that."
I'll never be past that. "I just realized how much I'll miss you."
"Uh... that is logical. We shared... a great deal."
"Yes." Oh God. Don't think about those nights. Don't think about him naked. "I loved our time together. Our walks and conversations." The way you made love to me. "I feel good in your presence. I feel sublime." I want you now and forever.
He arched an eyebrow. "What are you trying to say?"
"I don't want you to leave." This is your last chance. Don't mess it up. She put her hands to her flaming cheeks. "I don't want to be apart from you." She didn't dare to breathe. If he refuses her... She wanted the floor to swallow her up. Yeah, right! Stop being ridiculous.
"You presence pleases me, too." Sarek cleared his throat. "I do not want to be apart from you either." He reached for one of her hands. "I was not certain if you felt the same way."
Amanda twitched underneath his gentle touch. Oh. "I changed my mind." Strong emotions pierced through her. Why had she ever doubted him? Why shouldn't she accept him? What was she afraid of? "I'd be honored to be your wife."
"Indeed?" He leaned in. "Am I marriage material after all?"
She laughed. No. Not at heart. "Oh, Sarek."
"Yes? What did I say?"
"I thought you would... never mention marriage again."
"Why should I not? I never changed my mind."
"Haven't you?"
"I am surprised you have." Sarek didn't gloat. "Staying on Vulcan was hard for you. I cannot imagine you living there permanently, so far from your home."
"I love you, Sarek," she said, squeezing his hand. "I was never so sure about anything."
He smiled his peculiar smile. "I see. Will you marry me then?"
"Yes, I will." She put his hand to her cheek.
"Very well. We can revive our lessons then." He pulled her close and brushed his lips over hers.
"Why, Sarek? I'm surprised."
"Why? I like kissing you."
"Oh." She flashed him a cheeky grin. "Do you?"
"I had a great teacher," Sarek deadpanned. "Also, we are hidden behind this tree that is in full foliation."
She clung to him, chuckling. She had still so much to learn about this man. He would always be some sort of an enigma.
He silenced her, teasing her lips with the tip of his tongue.
Oh. Amanda gasped, and locked her hands around his neck. Oh my god, Sarek, the ambassador of Vulcan, is going to marry me. Dear me! I am in love with an alien. Oh, oh yes. Playfully she caught his tongue, sucking temptingly.
"Ah..." Sarek let her go. "Logic demands that we go back inside." He squared his shoulders and offered her his arm.
"As you wish," Amanda murmured, not mentioning she could feel him tremble underneath her touch or that the tips of his ears were green. She didn't need to point out he was losing his control a bit. She took no pleasure in exposing his twinge of emotion. She was content with keeping that achievement to herself.
The next morning Sarek didn't leave as planned but delayed his departure. Well, that was logical. Amanda needed some time to put her things in order before she could tie the knot with an alien.
Timmons reacted rather cynically to the news. "I have to ask; is this a marriage of convenience?"
"Yes, indeed," she replied, deliriously happy. "My future husband thinks so."
"Oh, hell," he said, shaking his head. "Your feelings are far deeper than I thought."
"Sorry, but I can't help that." She put on a serious face. "Will you give me the honor of walking me down the aisle?"
"Definitely, though I think you're making a mistake."
"Maybe," Amanda sighed, "but I have to follow my heart."
"That I understand," Timmons agreed, "because you always have."
"Thank you for being my friend." She hugged him. "Thank you for being there for me."
"That will never change. If you ever need me, I'll knock that Vulcan out cold."
She laughed imagining the unlikely event. "Sure you will."
The wedding ceremony happened only a few days later and was small but glorious. Sarek was dressed in a stunning golden-green outfit, matching Amanda's brilliant green dress. The church was plain but still awe-inspiring, the priest a well-balanced man picked out by Peggy. He didn't give Sarek or her the evil eye. Not like some people on campus. Amanda had ignored the whispering going on behind her back. She didn't care about people judging her as long as her friends were here with her. Peggy and Ben, who had postponed their honeymoon just for her; Timmons, dignified and old-fashioned; plus a few Vulcans were the only ones that attended.
Amanda was grateful that her mentor behaved decently enough and wished Sarek and her the best. The Vulcans didn't show emotion nor did they make any comments while Peggy smothered her with kisses saying farewell. She and Amanda both cried plenty. Amanda was drenched in tears as she stumbled to the ship that would take her away from her old life. Considerately, Sarek held her elbow supporting her.
Sarek arranged for an extra stop on a cozy island in the Caribbean. He wasn't familiar with the concept of a honeymoon, but he granted Amanda's wish for a romantic weekend. She was enchanted he did that for her; even though he had urgent business to take care of.
Surrounded by floral fragrances and birds chirping, they retreated to their bungalow. Amanda turned as nervous as the first time she realized she had the hots for a Vulcan. Damn. She was so silly. "I was wondering if I have to wait until your next pon farr." Oh, look. One perfect smirk.
"Did you?" He grabbed her hand, caressing the skin with his thumb. "Now that we are man and wife, let me show you what it means being married to a Vulcan. Let me show you how to bond."
"Oh? Didn't we...? Haven't we...? I thought I felt...uh..."
"You are not wrong, but that was only a spark compared to a full marital bond." He stroked the tender veins pulsing underneath her wrist and then kissed the spot gently.
A rush of sensations streamed into her, a force as strong as a flood flushing her insides, inflaming her with the same exotic energy she had already felt before... just stronger... pumping... spreading... wanting... finding its way... deeper and deeper... "Oh, Sarek."
"I know," he said, breathing against her temple. "Don't be afraid."
"I'm not," she said, snuggling up to him. "I'm rather curious."
"I knew I made the most logical choice in taking you to be my wife," Sarek granted, nibbling at her right ear.
My dear Vulcan husband. Am I dreaming? Was that a love declaration? Can it be?
